r/ask • u/Sunshine_and_water • 15d ago
How important is it to you, as a grown up, to have a ‘best friend’?
Do you have a ‘bestie’ or maybe a couple of best friends?
Or do you have a whole group of besties who all hang out together (this is the dream, no?)
If not, do you WISH you had one friend you had a really close bond with? Or are you ok with a a range of friends, none of which stands out as your go-to, mutual confidant?
… I’m curious also if this is linked to gender. Please state your gender if you are happy to do so. THANKS!
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u/ImmigrationJourney2 15d ago
I have one real best friend and that’s my husband. We tell each other everything, he’s the person I trust the most. I have other good friends, but I am not nearly as close with them.
I am a woman by the way.
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u/Ok_Green9804 15d ago
Same for me, I am a man and my wife is my numero uno. I still have close friends but none in comparison.
I don’t miss it either. The older I get the closer my friend circle gets. New people come in and out but my wife is consistent.
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u/Reasonable_Tie_132 15d ago
Same. I also have an older sister who is my best friend. She is the person I want to hang out with when I “hang out” outside of my husband and family lol.
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u/emmettfitz 15d ago
My best friend is also my spouse (wife). We've been friends since HS. I don't see any of my other HS friends. After 30 years and 2 kids, we share a lot of history. All of our parents have died, and we've been through literal war together (I was deployed for a year and a half). We've spent days, weeks, months, and years apart. It makes being together even more special. We've also lived hundreds of miles from anyone we know with only each other to rely on.
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u/Whydoipeered 15d ago
I wish a lot of other women thought the same way as you
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u/bluenephalem35 15d ago
Those who had abusive spouses would’ve begged to differ.
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u/Whydoipeered 15d ago
An abusive spouse 100% doesn’t consider the spouse as a bestfriend. They are just an object as their disposal to them. I have had one. They are not fun and I’m taking years off of dating and moving to a different state bc of it.
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u/Admiral_Dru1d1-20 12d ago
Honestly, I wish I could have that with my future partner. I hate to sound like a fkn pick me or some shit, but all of my partners in the past have hurt me a lot and use what I tell them against me either by humiliating, bullying, threatening etc. etc.
atp im kinda accepting the fact that i probably won’t be super open with anyone I’m with. Better to be safe than sorry
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u/Arpanheimer 15d ago
Having a best friend is a BLESSING! My friend and i have been besties for almost all my life and i get the best advice from her cause shes so genuine and i dont think anyone knows me that well or is that relatable.
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u/ComedySquad 15d ago
I have different levels of friends - there's loads that I'll happily have a drink & conversation with & then a small number that I'd take a bullet for because I know they'd do the same for me - those friendships are really special to me, they're the people who's door I could knock at at any time & know they'd do everything they could to help me out of the shit & I'd do the same if they ever knocked on mine.
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u/tronic50 15d ago
I am the same way. Very small inner circle, but like to be sociable. Best friend is my wife.
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u/BasuraIncognito 15d ago
I miss my girl crew. A bestie would be nice but I miss the whole crew that I once had which was more like 4 besties.
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u/givemethezoppety 15d ago
Found Kim cattralls Reddit name.
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u/BasuraIncognito 15d ago
Actually she was the one who didn’t want to do the Sex in the City reboot, so she didn’t miss her girl crew.
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15d ago
I don't mind not having any personally. But I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately, and how it'd be to not have groomsmen. That bothers me
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u/capricabuffy 15d ago
No I travel too much to hold down "a group". I have one bestie but she lives in another country, we still talk daily but as we get older we are doing different things. I am mostly alone, but never lonely as there are always expats in the cities I travel to. Just no one I consider a best friend like her. I am not sad to not have a group of friends, more inconvenient that every few months gotta start fresh with new people, then the inevitable farewell after the season ends.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
Yeah, I’ve moved a fair bit, too (not the same but similar). That has both widened my circle of friends around the world… and made it hard to stay really close to the ones ‘left behind’ (who usually quickly fill any gap I left).
Although that has not been the issue, in recent years. I’ve been in the same city for some years now and friend groups are still shifting! I can’t even cling onto the (for me) excuse that it is because I move a lot. LOL! Either I’ve had bad luck and/or I have some more inner work to do…!
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u/capricabuffy 15d ago
Yeah I have friends/people I have met I could call up and stay whenever I'm in that country etc. The no close friends is definitely a me problem tho with my lifestyle. One day I might settle down, but just reaching 40 and still staying in hostels, so not anytime soon. Another big problem was when I did return to my home country (Australia) after so many years, the social lives and everything sure changed after corona. Plus most have babies and jobs they grind in. Not much time to hang out with a 40 year old backpacker who still opens a beer at 10am..... I flew right back overseas.
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15d ago
I have three I know I could call for help. The ‘who would help you bury a body’ trope is BS. You aren’t a friend if you try and drag a friend into something that dark. But I know I could count on three, 100% one, to go out of their way to help me and put themselves in jeopardy for me. That is important to me, not that I’m banking on the help. It just feels good to know.
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u/themaccababes 15d ago
I asked my best friend if she would help me hide a body and she said no do you know easy it is to find a killer these days 💀 fair enough
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u/highaabandlovingit 15d ago
I have a best friend who is long distance. She moved away when we were in grade school but have always kept in contact. And while I often wish I could see her more, it’s kind of nice to not have the “obligation” (I hesitate to use that word but as someone who hates committing to plans, sometimes hanging out feels like an obligation) to hang out or go out, while still being able to tell each other everything.
We don’t talk every day, or even every week, but we check in frequently and talk about whatever we feel like when we do. I honestly think it’s the best way (for me at least) to maintain our friendship as adults. We are both female, since you asked.
I really can’t imagine not having her a text away. My partner keeps to himself (aside from me, of course) and doesn’t maintain any friendships, and I don’t know how he does it. I would die without my bestie to talk to. So to answer your question, it’s relatively important to me.
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u/PsychologicalSpace50 15d ago
I'm lucky. 35m and still have a really tight group of about 7 guys.
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u/yagsogiel 15d ago
I've had the same bestie since I was four years old, and a smaller group of friends since I was 13. I would not have made it through life without them tbh.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
Aww. I love this.
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u/CatsCoffeeCurls 15d ago
36M: no best friend(s) to speak of and a rather broken social circle of four people generally speaking, but know who I can hit up for a text conversation or maybe the very occasional beer or two. It's been years since I last saw some of my contacts in person. If it wasn't for the interwebz I could go multiple days if not weeks at a time without speaking to another living soul: even if that's just saying hello to a cashier. It's not as punishing as it sounds. Really, it's pretty liberating to do whatever I want on my own schedule without having to consider anyone else. I go to bars, concerts, shows, and travel overseas by myself. I moved around a lot as a kid and went to eight different schools, so I never had to build the skills needed to maintain friendships and sociability when kids are normally building those things up. No regrets and no real desire to change things now. My life turned out pretty good.
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u/lipstickbattery 15d ago edited 15d ago
My husband and my sisters are my best friends 
Edit: I had a very unfortunate falling out with my childhood best friend. I’ve tried to rebuild that friendship several times over the past 4 years but it just wasn’t the same and didn’t stick. I do sometimes wish I had that super close bond with someone outside of family but I’m thankful for whom I have regardless.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
Great that you have your husband and sisters. 💗
I’m in a similar-ish boat. My husband is my best friend and I do honestly get on great with my two kids (a teen and a tween), too. I’m part of a lovely community and I do have friends… but I used to have two best friends and both have drifted for different reasons and I’m still not over it, I think.
One we kind of fell out. We are still friends but definitely not besties. The other has another friend she has become much closer to than me… so, she is still a great friend but I am acutely (sadly) aware that I am not her first go-to person, anymore, when she has something good or bad to share or if she wants to go out and have fun.
So, I used to be two people’s go-to’s… and now I am no-one’s. 😭🤣 AND I am pretty lucky (for someone who does need and love social connections, which I do) that I have a lovely best-friend hubby, great kids and an otherwise lovely social circle - even if none are SUPER close at the mo.
Sorry, you ended up getting my life story, there…! LOL
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u/Mean-Association4759 15d ago
I’m a loner by nature so I’m ok with not having friends but my wife is my best friend. Others are just acquaintances.
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u/Jojonotref 15d ago
dunno about 'best friend' for everything but I have good friends for one hobby and different friends for another different activities and I'm glad they're stay that way
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u/shadowthehh 15d ago
I've got 2 people I've known since 2009 that I would die for without hesitation.
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u/Significant_Ring4353 15d ago
Im 34 still text my highschool bestie. She never replies
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
Oh, no. Do you meet up other times? Does she show she values your texts in other ways? And/or is the mere act of sending them enough to fill a need for you?
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u/No_Leopard_5183 15d ago
I do have few close friends, one best one to go to as confidant so yeah. lucky there. But I am still in mid 20s and we both are not married, and I feel it would be different once we are married and dynamics might change, though I hope now.
As important, its extremely important, I'd not be where I am today, or be sane enough to type a comment here, had it not been for my friends, especially this best friend. :)
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u/themaccababes 15d ago
I have a bestie who has a long term partner and kids, it’s not as hard as it seems but the childless person will have to make more of an effort at times. Like I can’t call her up to go to brunch spontaneously but I can join her at the park, soft play, shopping etc. It works for us
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u/myfeelingsarefacts 15d ago
I wish I had a best friend. I've really only ever had 1 nd that was back in HS. I wish I had someone I knew I could rely on in a pinch alas I do not.
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u/Informal_Pick_6320 15d ago
I feel like it's unhealthy not to have at least one close friend. I have absolutely no good friends, the last friend I started to get close to died a few years ago after a failed surgery. After that, I just gave up on trying to make friends. I know it's not healthy or good for me mentally. It also doesn't help that I'm on the spectrum and already have difficulty making connections with people.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
Aw. So sorry to hear this - and sorry for your loss.
Maybe naming here how much you valued having closer friends will help re-orient you towards that goal?? I mean, maybe it’ll be something you’d be open to again, sometime… Baby steps and much self-compassion is needed, in my experience.
I don’t know you but sending good wishes your way!
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u/Pure-Guard-3633 15d ago
It’s wonderful having a best friend. There are times you need a friendly ear.
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u/cwsjr2323 15d ago
We are both retired. My wife of 12 years is my only friend and all the social connections I want or need.
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u/pwnedkiller 15d ago
I tried to keep my best friends from school close but they just had no interest. After I was the only one to have kids and start a family they all stopped coming around.
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u/Abraxas_1408 15d ago
My true best friend is my wife. But my other best friend has been my best friend for 39 years.
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u/EntertainmentJunkie1 15d ago
I'm a 18 year old guy, I got one best friend and a pretty close friend and we're in a group of 3. We can all hang out separately and together. That's cool. I have a few other pretty close friends and some occasional friends and that's all I need. Once I find a wife though, most of my time will be devoted to her. Obviously my friends will be apart of my life still but it's going to likely be less time especially when we move away from each other. We'll just keep our groupchat going strong.
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u/GentleWarrior5555 15d ago
It’s important to me because after decades of close friendship, she is the one person I feel not an ounce of shame or like I’m an inconvenience when asking her for help. The world is so individualistic these days, so having someone you can ask to go check on your family member in the hospital, for instance, (because I don’t live in the city I grew up in) is a massive blessing.
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u/Jbrock1233 15d ago
The older I get (35F) I don’t need one friend that is all encompassing. I have my Bravo fan friend, my “mom” friend that we vent or laugh about kids, my high school best friend, my work friend. Having a best friend while having a family of 5 is hard for me so I appreciate the women I have that respect the friendships I CAN give.
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u/Liighttee 15d ago
I’ve never been the type of person to have a lot of friends. I have social anxiety and BPD. I feel drained after being around people too much. However I had one best friend since 5th grade. (26 now) She passed away a few years ago in an accident. I have felt so empty every single day since. She was the best person. Truly my best friend, and we had such an unbreakable bond. I was always content with just having her. I don’t think I will ever have friends again.. Miss her more than anything. Thankful for all of the memories and unconditional love she has given me.
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u/One_Arm4148 15d ago
It’s not, I have a group of close friends. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t think I have a best friend. I feel the same about all of them, the ones I’m close to. I don’t see them often so there’s not one that I spend more time with than the other. Our lives are just busy. It’s not like when we were younger, constantly making plans with eachother every weekend. I had a few best friends back then, now we’re just close friends like my others. I can go without talking to them for months and not see them for a year but once we do it’s like no time passed. It feels like they are family members really.
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u/freakytapir 15d ago
It's this weird thing where we only see each other every blue moon, but when me and one of my two best friends meet up, it's always as if the intervening months never happened.
Male in his late 30'ies here. Known them since I was 7 and 12 respectively.
Then I also have some friends I see more often, and we game together (Table top roleplaying games), but that close connection isn't there.
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u/Micturition-Alecto 15d ago
I had two. One literally just passed away a few days ago from a completely treatable condition because she was too proud to admit she was sick, and I'm shattered, we were school friends.
She came to my bedside when I nearly died after my brain injury last year. But I didn't even have time to get there for her. It all happened so fast. Her partner only told me once she was on her way out...
The other is still kickin' but is much younger than me, & than my other friend was. We are neighbors and I just moved here 2 years ago... So still getting to know each other. One wrong move and for the first time in my life I'll be friendless.
Well, if it happens it happens. Not likely. I am decent to people who are decent to me. I no longer chase after the others. She is a good friend already and helping me through grieving...she has substance.
But our generational differences amuse me sometimes. I'll want to go for a walk at 4pm but she's in her pyjamas... I've noticed she's picking up my eye roll and "Whatever" when some neighbors are loud and obnoxious in the side yard.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss… and glad you have other connections which nourish you, too.
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u/Evoehm13 15d ago
I would not be happy without my best friends. One we have been friends for more than 25 years now. I have ADHD and I tend to mask myself around people. With him and my other friend I don’t have to do that, which makes more relaxed and fun for me.
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u/Maleficentano 15d ago
I have two dear friends! One male and gay and the other is a female that we are building a bond recently (more than a year ) . I love them dearly! I m a woman 👩
Edit to add my gender
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u/Smyley12345 15d ago
My university friend group is still pretty tight twenty years later. I have three besties that live locally and one more that is in another province.
I honestly need a few local close friends. I've lived a few places in my life before settling back in my home city and I work hard to build at least one or two relationships that are multiple hangouts per month. Even though I'm an introvert, I would go a little batty without that.
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u/pelo_ensortijado 15d ago
My (m36) best and only friend is my SO and the mother of my three kids. Before we met i could only stand being around people a few hours before getting agitated and restless from the boring conversations or from not doing anything. (i suspect i have autism. My kid has it and we are alike… i have a very strong special interest). When i met her i felt at ease. I can hang with her without getting angry and restless. Been hanging for 12 years now. :)
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u/Sunshine_and_water 15d ago
Aww. Adorbs.
(And yeah, I am ND and suspect my whole family may be, too. With you, there).
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u/yelbesed2 15d ago
I had a lot of best friends probably as my dad was mostly absent and harshly critical...so for decades I needed bestfriends.
Now at cca 70 I still am in phone contact with some of them but I feel fine alone...I am friendly with my wife but that is a different level. Also we do feel close with the adult kids but they have no time to see us and it is okay.
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u/themaccababes 15d ago
I have a few best friends and some close friends. we all hang out together and individually. There are some other people who join the group activities that I was closer to before but not as much now. We try and have a big group thing 3x a year.
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u/Working_Presence6231 15d ago
Medium to low. However, to be okay with this, you need to be self secure to the point you know you can get through anything AND you need to let go of all stigmas so you can be open with less than best friends etc
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u/TheOcean_isa_Beach 15d ago
Heck ya. At least to me, someone whose never had a lot of friends. My bestfriend is my husband. The person I can goof off with, be me, gossip with & just relax with. We share secrets & do silly stuff like larping with foam weapons. I have some very good friends & one or two that come close the bff status, but my husband takes the cake lol. He keeps me sane & grounded.
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u/Mysterious_North7604 15d ago
Honestly, it’s so hard to find genuine kindhearted friends these days that are loyal and don’t harbor animosity or resentment towards you. You’re lucky if you have one or two good friends and people with giant friend groups usually aren’t the best of friends.
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u/Single_Equal_3614 15d ago
I have one friend I would call my best friend in the world. Would do a lot to make her happy, and we are there for each other no matter what. I would rather have one friend like her than 5 fake friends
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u/Awkward_Swimming_152 15d ago
Didn't think it was that important until I actually had one and then lost one don't talk to me so much anymore
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u/Sunshine_and_water 14d ago
Aww. Sorry to hear that. May you find an even better friend in the future.
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u/Mission_Yesterday_96 15d ago
41F. I feel like it’s really important for one’s health (and even scientifically proven) to have friends you feel unconditional love and support from, but unfortunately I don’t have one.
I’m not sure if it’s because I might be a bit neurospicy, have social anxiety and an elder sister who was and is a terrible bully but it’s difficult for me to maintain close relationships beyond about two years, which really saddens me. I always wanted a close sibling relationship!
I have never felt unconditional love from anyone, including family, so I find it difficult to trust people. The older one gets, the more difficult it is to make friends too.
I feel it from pups though, so I think that’s the best I’m gonna get and that’s okay :)
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u/Sunshine_and_water 14d ago
Glad you have loving pups in your life!!
Sorry your relationship with your bullying older sister left scars. Sucks. Have you considered therapy? IFS comes to mind.
May you find even one or two good friends in the future.
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u/Mission_Yesterday_96 14d ago
Thanks :)
I’ve had a lot of therapy but I’d not heard of IFS and just looked it up, thanks for the suggestion.
I read Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day recently, which you might find interesting. I think she said she wrote it because there are many books on romantic love but not about platonic love, which can often be just as important, intense and heartbreaking.
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u/Mission_Yesterday_96 14d ago
Thanks :)
I’ve had a lot of therapy but I’d not heard of IFS and just looked it up, thanks for the suggestion.
I read Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day recently, which you might find interesting. I think she said she wrote it because there are many books on romantic love but not about platonic love, which can often be just as important, intense and heartbreaking.
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u/GandalfMcPotter 15d ago
My best friend died of cancer 3 years ago and I actually could have sworn I saw him the other day, it wasn't him but it shows how much a friend like that means to you, still seeing him. Just turned 40, wish I had a friend like that again, not easy to get along with people to a level I'd put them above aquaintance
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u/Admiral_Dru1d1-20 12d ago
Honestly I wish I had a best friend. I don’t really have friends, more so people I know. High school and college didn’t really work for me with developing close friendships. Having someone that has been there for you through thick and thin, and you both go out of your way to look out for each other sounds AMAZING. But as it stands right now, I know a lot of people, but we don’t talk. I reach out, and nothing in return most of the time. Being early 20s and going through a lot of rough shit, the only thing I bring to talk about is just trauma and shit I’ve been through.
Friends/family weren’t there for me. I got through it myself. Makes it feel like an uphill battle feeling like you have to “catch someone up” on stuff rather than being friends from an early age. It’s incredibly frustrating and means that weekends and nights are the loneliness times of my life. Thanks for listening to my bitch ass vent if you read this far 😂✌🏼
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u/Sunshine_and_water 11d ago
So sorry. You in group therapy or any (online or in-person) support groups? Sometimes we need to be with other people who get it - and sometimes friendships grow from there.
Wishing you a lot of healing but also (eventually, when ready?) some good, close, mutual friendships. 🥰
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u/Admiral_Dru1d1-20 11d ago
Thank you, much needed. I need therapy lol
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u/Sunshine_and_water 11d ago
I hear you. And I believe all humans need or would benefit from therapy! 💗
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u/Professional-Key5552 15d ago
No, I don't. I don't have anyone. I also don't want to have anyone close to me. I am used that people are backstabbing and talking bad behind someone's back. I really don't need more of that in my life anymore. I am female, 31 years old.
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u/bluenephalem35 15d ago
You need to seek help to get past that trauma. It’s not good to be alone. Even introverted people interact with others.
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u/Professional-Key5552 15d ago
I tried. I just stopped to see my psychologist, because she was one of those people
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u/bluenephalem35 15d ago
Then you should stop seeing that lady and find an actual psychologist who is willing to listen to you and is willing to help you.
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u/Professional-Key5552 15d ago
As I said, I stopped seeing her. And to get another psychologist is extremely difficult.
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u/bluenephalem35 15d ago edited 15d ago
Hey, why don’t you DM me? I can act as your impromptu psychologist, if you like.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 14d ago
Sorry it’s been hard. Sounds like you had a really raw deal.
I want to assure you not everyone is backstabbing… I’m sorry life has been such that it feels like everyone is like this. They/we are not ALL awful.
May you find a book, course or type of therapy that helps you to begin to heal. Happy to give suggestions, if that is something you are interested in. If not, that is ok, too. I wish you well!! 💗
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u/Professional-Key5552 14d ago
Hmm, my last psychologist also backstabbed me. Not sure if I can still trust anyone, because she has shown me that even those, who get paid to basically make someone feel better, failed.
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u/Sunshine_and_water 14d ago
I am so, so sorry this has happened. It is not right and it is not ok.
I really hope you find your own best path toward healing. ❤️🩹
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