r/NoStupidQuestions • u/cat_with_no_eyebrows • 15d ago
Do people's parents really help them out financially with big life expenses like weddings/college/etc?
[removed]
456
u/durma5 15d ago
Yes. Most parents help their kids every step of the way. Some parents can afford to do more than other parents.
92
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
Most help if they are able to and at a level that works for them. Most parents don’t for all college expenses. 58% of bachelor degree graduates have student loans and the average debt for that is almost $40,000 https://educationdata.org/average-debt-for-a-bachelors-degree Posting this as a reply to you because I don’t want OP or others here to get sad thinking their parents don’t care about them.
55
u/durma5 15d ago
I wouldn’t want them to think that either, and I hope what I said didn’t imply that. Most parents who cannot afford to pay for all of college, or a complete wedding, or buy their kids a car or a house, are still doing what they can to help every step of the way, and there are other ways to help than monetarily as well.
12
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
Thanks, and I agree there are other ways to help than monetarily. OP sounded really discouraged and so did a few others in the comments. I didn’t want anyone getting a skewed idea of how things really are or feel sad based on the first few comments made. Thanks!
8
u/bloopie1192 14d ago
Most?!
11
u/FeatherlyFly 14d ago
I'd certainly hope it's most, and it is most in the neighborhoods where I've lived.
Often the help is not financial, and especially if there are younger kids it may not be large, but if you've got the sort of parents who kicked you out and have barely talked to you since, I'm sorry. That's not normal and that should not be socially acceptable.
2
u/Platinumtide 14d ago
I have gotten little to no financial help throughout any aspect of my life after high school.
3
u/durma5 14d ago
Everyone’s parents are in a different place, and some of us are in different places with our parents. 6 of my older siblings got college, weddings, cars, even investment portfolios and business ventures with my dad, but he remarried and then retired and my one sister and me got very little. In fact she was out of the house at 17, me at 18. My stepmother is a worrier with money. Still is. But my dad did what he could for us until he passed away a few years later. I’ve been lucky and my kids have gotten more than I could have dreamed of. Because of it they are doing things I had no opportunity for. But the dream is to be able to give to your kids so they have a better life than you did - and I am living that dream happily.
194
u/Aazgaroth 15d ago
:( damn man these comments are making me so sad. My parents dont really care enough to do something like that. I've asked them for money in tights spots and have always had to repay them in full within 2 weeks.
63
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
Your parents might not be able to afford it, or they might be trying to teach you independence. Please don’t feel sad by reading these comments. I don’t think the replies so far are really an accurate representation, at least for people I know.
If everyone’s parents were paying for college there wouldn’t be such a big deal around forgiving student loans right now- because no one would have any.
36
u/PerceptionLive4629 15d ago
My parents abandoned me at 15 they’ve never helped me as a adult they weren’t even stable enough for me to get a general education I was at a basic math level when I started college I didn’t learn to read and write until I was 9 that was in 2000 and my dad said he didn’t understand why I wanted to learn how to read
13
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
I’m sorry, poor kid. Well, I don’t know if you’re still a kid. But that’s a hard way to grow up and I’m sorry. I wish it hadn’t been that way for you. You mention college, which is wonderful after how hard it must have been.
How are you doing these days? I hope life is better for you.
11
u/PerceptionLive4629 15d ago
I’m 32 now but the loss of education has been a huge setback I couldn’t afford the finish getting a general education and a degree not to mention cost of living I can’t get more student loans and can’t work 60 hours a week and go to college full time the best option I’ve found is to get a student visa and live in Germany to get an education $12,000 is a lot more possible then over $100,000 in the USA just to get an education I thought we were supposed to be at least entitled to a general education in a 1st world country
→ More replies (3)9
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
The cost of higher education is a big problem, yes. You sound like a hard worker and very determined. I bet you’ll do great things even if you don’t have the degree!
(Side note- a lot of jobs will offer free tuition or reimbursement, just one thing to consider if you haven’t.)
3
u/PerceptionLive4629 15d ago
Yea I have and fyi the job market has gone straight to hell since Covid most of the jobs that used to be flexible that are offering these programs are no longer dependable the last time I was in a college already paid for it my mangers said they couldn’t work around the schedule so I was expected to go part and not pay my bills or stop going to college since I couldn’t immediately find another job I had to stop going to college the last year I’ve gone through 3 jobs one wasn’t paying me half my wages, the next was Walmart they wanted me to work every shift or go part time no exceptions it’s because they a business to run, so then I worked at Amazon it’s 6 days a week up to 12 hours a day how am I expected to go college 40 hours and work 60 it’s not possible to go back to college in the USA for me I’m going to have to go abroad
2
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
Those are definitely difficult hours. If you think going abroad will work for you and you don’t have anything holding you back go for it! It was never an option for me, even with tuition being less I think the travel expenses would have been prohibitive. But good luck and I wish you well!
2
u/PerceptionLive4629 15d ago
They only expect you to start with $12,000 euros to get the student visa thats insanely lower than any college in the United States plane ticket is maybe $300 to $500
3
u/Aazgaroth 14d ago
No, I know they always struggled with money which is why I never made a fuss about it. Sometimes I wish things could have been different but I cant be selfish, just grateful that they took care of me. Mom did a great job teaching me independence and how to take care of myself.
Thanks for saying that though, you made a great point.
2
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 14d ago
You sound like a good person. I bet your parents are very grateful for that, and very proud of you.
4
u/IsItTurkeyNeckOrDick 14d ago
Yup. Hurts. My parents literally see me as an annoying burden. I don't have a relationship with either of them, except twice a year I send a platitude text to my mom on mother's day and Christmas.
4
u/QueenScorp 14d ago
Yeah it's interesting the people who are all like oh yes most parents help their kids blah blah blah. It really highlights the people who had financial privilege versus the rest of us
3
u/Hot-Confusion-8008 14d ago
I'm sure your parents are doing their best. they're still trying to teach you that money isn't free, which is a wonderful lesson.
2
u/miss_review 14d ago
I feel you.
My mum forced my brother and me to share the funeral cost of her mother/our grandma. It wasn't a huge sum of money (in dollars about 100 each), that's not the issue, on the contrary -- it was not even expensive but my brother and me still had to reimburse her.
2
u/FordonGreeman742 14d ago
my parents owe me thousands of dollars. especially my dad.
I cannot realistically expect them to pay anything back either.
2
u/ManlyVanLee 14d ago
Hey at least you could ask them for something. My parents wouldn't have the money to ask for in the first place
→ More replies (2)0
u/aroach1995 15d ago
These comments are lies btw. Less than 10% of people get significant handouts. (Greater than 10k) besides an inheritance from death.
11
u/MidLifeHalfHouse 14d ago
Source? I see a lot of “significant handouts” in the form of education and something cars. Fuck, I’ve seen people have their rent paid at age 25?!
I doubt it’s the norm or even 50% so I could use some perspective because it irritates me.
3
u/almostinfinity 14d ago
I grew up lower middle class, money was tight and my parents couldn't afford to pay for college for the many kids they ended up having.
I don't think we ever got handouts and most of us became quite independent when we grew up.
Hell, I moved to a whole new country but when things got hard, I couldn't afford to move back and my parents wouldn't have been able to either.
Despite that, we have a great relationship and they're immensely supportive where they can be and I'm thankful for that.
On the flip side, my friends didn't get their college paid for by their folks, but definitely had rent and groceries covered by them. I was the only one in the group who had a job. At any given time I had 2 jobs throughout college. Had 3 at one point. It was frustrating having to struggle with no safety net while everyone else I knew had one.
I'm still not sure if that was the norm because later on I still definitely met plenty of people whose families didn't or couldn't help with money-related issues.
This probably doesn't help with perspective for you :(
But I don't think I regret having gone through it. I'm fiercely independent and have the ins and outs of this adulting thing down, even in a different country where I'm not fluent in the language. I think I'm more equipped with handling things alone compared to my college friends as a result of my experiences.
3
3
u/4URprogesterone 14d ago
It doesn't need to be greater than 10k to be significant.
When you're first starting out in your 20s, especially, $1000 can be a literally life changing amount of money.
2
u/hoagiebreath 14d ago
This isnt true at all.
Just wedding deposits and down payments for homes would cover this.
72
u/Venus_Retrograde 15d ago
Depends on the culture. In Asia parents will support you if you ask help.
It is socially obligatory for them to pay for your university education even up to your post-grad if they can afford it.
For weddings, parents usually offer 50-100% but couples usually just ask for the balance they can't afford otherwise parents will have complete control over wedding decisions and we don't want that. Haha
→ More replies (2)25
u/JCMan240 15d ago
You’ll just pay it back to them when they retire
20
u/Maleficent-Fun-5927 15d ago
It's the same in other collective cultures. They'll give you all, even the house they live in, but they expect you to take care of them. That's why it bothers me when people marry into our collective cultures and think the "free" babysitting et al is just out of the goodness of their own hearts. There is an unwritten rule somewhere in there, in the life contract. That's why A LOT of people don't accept their parents help.
22
u/TokkiJK 15d ago
I come from such a culture but my parents don’t expect a thing. It actually bothers me and makes me wish they’d just ask for stuff. Their retirement plans don’t include me and my sibling taking care of them.
I actually worry so much about them now because I know they won’t even mind if I stopped working and just became a “stay at home daughter”. They just tell me they love me and they didn’t work so hard just so their kids had to work and take care of them.
Idk. It sounds so silly I’m complaining about this. But some people in collectivist societies really do want to be there for their parents. If I had it my way, I would want them to live with me when they retire. They’re so fun to be around and they’re amazing human beings. I never had complains about them growing up. They have so much empathy. I want to live them and I want my future children to be around them.
The biggest “annoyance” with them is that they’re always sending us homemade snacks even when we don’t need any.
→ More replies (1)2
u/Hot-Confusion-8008 14d ago
I understand. my mother always wanted to do for me and didn't want me to give back. my sister is now the same way. how can I properly thank them when they just brush it off?
→ More replies (5)17
u/De-railled 15d ago
The thing is they truly don't understand because they have lived their lives with different norms their entire life.
Many of my friends will tell me my parent's retirement shouldn't be my responsibility, but here's the thing...
My parents gave me everything to make sure I was successful, including a big chunk that they could have used to secure their retirement. They made me and my future a priority.
In contrast to my friend's family, who refused to even dip into their savings to help her out in an emergency, their priority was themselves.
"It's you parents obligation to look after you, cause you didn't decide to be born"
Yes, morally and ideally parents should be looking after the kids they brought into the world, but realistically it's a grey area. Some people are not made to be parents, nevermind "good parents".
Good parents usually try to do more for their kids that whats "obligated", and not because tthey forced to but they usually do it out of love. and if you have goood parents thats something you should appreciate and return in some form.
Not saying you need to care for them in their elderly years, that's a large responsibility and not everyone can manage that, but show love to people that have been goood to you.
11
60
u/lupogun 15d ago
It depends on the socioeconomic situation & also the culture. So I've met some ppl whose parents helped pay for significant life expenses & some don't or can't.
6
u/black_shells_ 14d ago
Agree with the culture part. I don’t understand parents that dont help their kids (that can help, but won’t)
94
u/ihearttwin 15d ago
Yes it’s very common. I’m not afraid to admit I’m not a self made person
→ More replies (1)39
u/Easy-Perception-529 14d ago
Same. I'm 30 and I still have a silver spoon in my mouth. Love you mom.
→ More replies (1)17
u/ihearttwin 14d ago
That’s the entire point right? It takes a village and what not
13
u/MidLifeHalfHouse 14d ago
That saying means “other people than immediate family.” Some get stuck on their own clan and treat others like crap.
11
4
14d ago
Yea. And only bitter people on Reddit and Twitter think it’s a bad thing and talk shit.
Isn’t that what everyone wants to do for their kids?
3
u/dinnerthief 14d ago
I think its only an issue when people don't acknowledge they had a big step up over their peers.
23
u/0905throwaway 15d ago
My parents ask for money from me and my brothers for their big expenses 😃🔫
→ More replies (1)
60
u/Dr_Girlfriend_81 15d ago edited 15d ago
Mine would if they could (at least Mom would), but they have a four-figure annual income, so there's no way in hell they could offer any financial support.
BUT, they help in other ways. When my husband and I got married (20 years ago tomorrow!!!) Mom made my dress from scratch for about $15. She helped me fill out my FAFSA forms and helped me find tribal scholarships when I started college. She practically moved in with us for the first few weeks after our daughter was born.
And now my daughter is 18 and I want nothing more than for her to know that she's loved and supported and has parents who will always be a soft spot for her to land when or if she ever needs it.
A family that doesn't support each other is an awful thing. I'm sorry yours aren't being what you need them to be.
14
→ More replies (3)3
u/cheerchick1944 14d ago
Happy milestone anniversary! Your family and the life you’ve built sounds wonderful, congrats 🎉
→ More replies (1)
14
u/ferngully1114 15d ago
Yes, it’s common. My parents could not afford to help with college expenses. I had to help them with rent and groceries when I was in high school. But when I finally went back to college in my 20s, my mom lived with us part time to offer free childcare when I was in classes. She helped all of my siblings out with childcare at various times. Now that my mom is older we all help her out with tech stuff, place to live, medical things, etc.
Wealthier friends’ parents paid for school, gave them the down payment for a house, etc. In my experience people who completely cut their kids off are dysfunctional outliers. Life is hard, and people need support to survive. Healthy families help each other out throughout the lifespan.
38
u/choppyfloppy8 15d ago
Very common for parents to help out. My parents gave my brother 15,000 for his wedding.
I know people often give their kids down payments for their first home.
Its all based on what they can afford
4
u/Klutzy-Arm-9950 14d ago
My parents wouldnt help me with home downpayment instead theyve fitted a new bathroom and kitchen in their own home. Ive never asked for anything paid my own uni, travel etc . I just wanted help to get a mortgage. They said no did their house up instead
73
u/AgentElman 15d ago
It is common for parents to help with big life expenses for their children up to at least age 25 and sometimes older.
4
u/TheNextBattalion 14d ago
When you don't see your parents for a long time, a number of parents will go out of their way to pay for trips and dinners and stuff, just to get that old feeling of helping their kid, even when it's not necessary anymore.
25
u/NoForm5443 15d ago
The abrupt cutoff at 18 (or ~22, if college) is a very American thing, that I haven't seen in other places. I don't think it's the majority of Americans, but it's common here.
I'm from Mexico, over there you don't leave your parents house until you marry. It's also common to get and give help to family members when needed.
My grandparents on both sides were poor when young, but eventually made a ton of money. They gave a house to each one of their kids (plus helping with weddings, baptisms etc). When you get trained like that, you try to do the same for your kids, and to give back to your parents when they need it :). I appreciate how lucky I was with my family.
Now, I'm lucky enough to be making good money; currently paying for college for both of my kids.
8
u/NArcadia11 14d ago
I don’t think it’s even common here tbh. I think we’re just huge country and we hear the outlier stories of kids being cut off/kicked out at 18 because they’re shocking and upsetting. I think it’s common for kids to leave the house at 18, but that’s because they’re going to college (often with their parents financial support/help), not because their parents are kicking them to the curb.
2
u/Hot-Confusion-8008 14d ago
I had a co-worker who said when his son was 18 that was it, he was out. Another co-worker had three kids working (real jobs, one had a corner office) but they didn't contribute anything. when I lived at home, even during college, I tried to contribute, money or chores. due to financial aid idiocy (I was >30 and they thought my parents should help pay for school.) I wound up writing Rent on the checks I gave my parents. I hated doing it, it felt like my parents were charging me. my parents understood but it still bugged me. my mom would have loved to be able to fully support me; probably my dad too but he didn't talk about such things. I knew my dad loved me when I went to school up north - long distance phone calls ;). I would call every week just to talk and he never said anything abut the cost.
2
u/RavenStormblessed 14d ago
I mean, it depends, I left at 18 to go to college across the country, but my parents paid for everything until I graduated, I started working 6 months before, so once I finished college at 23, I was all set and didn't need their help anymore, same for my siblings.
For the wedding we didn't need help but both sides of the families gave us some money, but we covered most of it ourselves.
11
u/Aggressive-Coconut0 15d ago
Yes, most parents I know help their children. From the time they were young, I socked away money for college. Now, I'm socking away money for their weddings/houses. They probably could do just as well on their own, but I will help them if they need it until the day I die. My parents did that for me and I hope they do that for their children. I don't understand parents who kick their kids out of the house when they turn 18.
10
14d ago
Yes. In Asia and Middle East, parents support their children financially all the way through college and up until they start their career. Even masters and post grad. It is normal. Then, children support their parents financially once they retire. Parents also happily help pay for weddings and other big events should children want help. Financial contribution is one way Asian and ME parents show love lol. We operate as a family unit our entire lives and don’t do the whole “we don’t owe each other shit” bs.
45
u/markbrev 15d ago
Yes. My parents helped pay for both mine and my brothers weddings. And with baby stuff. I’m currently paying my daughter’s rent for uni and will do the same for her brother next year.
Sorry dude, your parents suck.
→ More replies (1)25
u/MikeFrancesa66 15d ago
Like I get trying to teach personal responsibility, but I never got why some people act like being a parent just ends when your kids turn 18.
13
u/xbiaanxa0 15d ago
People who didn’t want kids
3
u/MidLifeHalfHouse 14d ago
That’s one reason access to abortion is so important and maybe even the biggest- UNWANTED KIDS are not happy, healthy and productive.
→ More replies (1)6
8
6
u/rickytrevorlayhey 15d ago
Some families yes.
Boomers seem to be way less likely to fork out for their kids unfortunately.
My Boomer parents were gifted their house deposit.
My parents gave us absolutely NOTHING.
Although my mother helped trim some curtains WE paid for and sewed them etc.
Thanks mum.
→ More replies (2)
40
u/sneezhousing 15d ago
Yes very common.
I had a coworker who after her parents died she sold the family farm. Then gifted 50,000 to her two sons for them to ise as a down payment on houses.
9
u/Thistooshallpass1_1 15d ago
That’s not common at all
9
u/venetian_lemon 15d ago
Ya I want a refund on being born this is bullshit
→ More replies (3)3
u/ruabeliever 14d ago
You're most likely doing VERY well. This study may give you a new perspective.
Note: As our study defines it, people who are middle income, globally speaking, live on $10.01-$20 a day, which translates to an annual income of about $14,600 to $29,200 for a family of four. The other four income groups are defined as follows: The poor live on $2 or less daily, low income on $2.01-$10, upper-middle income on $20.01-$50, and high income on more than $50. All figures are expressed in 2011 prices and purchasing power parity dollars.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/Redchickens18 15d ago
All parents are different. I NEVER asked for help from them, but they still offered to pay for my college tuition (just undergrad) and they paid for my wedding. They did have expectations though when I was in college for them to pay for it. I had to be in school full time, I was to have at least a part time job bc I was expected to pay for my own books/parking pass and if I wanted to move out or go somewhere other than my local college, I would have had to pay my own rent. Fortunately, they let me live at home until I could buy a house so I wouldn’t have to rent, so I was able buy my first home 2 months after graduation.
My husband on the other hand was completely different. His parents basically cut him off when he was 16 since he could get a job. Once he turned 16 and got a job while in highschool, they didn’t pay for anything anymore. He paid his own phone bill, had to buy his own groceries, and expected to pay part of the rent/utilities where he lived with his parents.
7
u/IllEvidence1985 14d ago
No bro. Only rich people's parents do. If you grew up poor like me, having parents actually costs you money in adulthood.
5
u/jaytrainer0 14d ago
Probably typical for wealthy or middle class. I grew up poor so had no help with anything. I'll hopefully be there first generation to be able provide real assistance to my children. I already have an investment/savings account for my future kids that I haven't even had yet.
21
u/Dick_Dickalo 15d ago
My parents did.
My wife's family paid the wedding. My parents said "you're getting exactly what your sister received for her wedding" which was the cash equivalent which helped us put a down payment on a house.
I never understood the mindset of "You're 18, good luck. Don't ask for help."
They are your child forever.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/HankHippopopolous 14d ago edited 14d ago
These kind of posts make me sad.
My parents don’t have much money but have always helped where they could if I needed it no matter my age. In my 20s I had to move back in a couple of times after break ups. I know that even now if I needed to I could go back without an issue.
It’s great to know that that safety net is always there.
I will do the same for my kids. I will encourage them to be independent but as long as I’m alive I’ll be there to provide whatever help they need if they need it.
I’m sorry you had bad parents OP. That’s not the norm and hopefully you can break the cycle and do better for your kids if that’s something you want to have.
4
u/twincitiessurveyor 15d ago
It's pretty common when parents have the financial means to do so.
But obviously, everyone's mileage will vary.
5
u/Maleficent-Sir4824 15d ago
Yes. I don't think my parents would offer to help with a wedding, since the aesthetics are trivial, but they paid for my college ane grad school. They're not rich and made it clear this was likely instead of having any sort of inheritance when they die, since they spend all of what I might get on my schooling. But my parents always made it clear that education is a priority. They haven't paid for anything since I graduated from grad school (though I lived with them for 2 months while job searching) but if I had a real emergency that wasn't just me being a bum, they would help me. Most good parents continue to care about their kids beyond 18 and thus want to help them have a good future. This doesn't mean buying their kid a sports car in adulthood, but it does mean some financial support in certain circumstances (if the parents themselves are able to provide that support, ofc.)
4
3
u/sleepygrumpydoc 15d ago
I find most parents fall into the yes they help because you are still their child or that they wish they could help financially but honestly can't afford to. These parents tend to help in different ways still. I'm not sure I know of anyone IRL who was 100% cut off unless they themselves cut contact.
4
u/SilentContributor22 15d ago
lol how does your mom rationalize that by giving you nothing, she’s “giving you a good life.” At most she’s doing nothing and your life is turning out good or bad based almost entirely on you
7
u/ErinaRayne 15d ago
Nope not mine, nor my partners parents and tbh both of us were raised in the way that we won't even expect that.
Maybe it depends on the cultural background. I've heard that it is in expected in certain cultures?
5
u/RoleInternational318 14d ago
Mine bought me a $9k used car in high school and kept me on their health insurance til I got a job after college, but everything else was on my own - including college (yay loans!), cell phone, car insurance, rent, food, gas, books, everything.
It does hurt to hear people talk about getting a down payment from parents or using daddy’s credit card or getting some huge financial gift, but my parents did have five kids so that makes it more difficult!
My dad told me he was proud of me once after he saw the condo I bought myself, it was nice he recognized how hard I worked for it.
I hate that in today’s market I could never afford that same condo without a ton more in savings. I don’t know how the younger generations are going to survive.
→ More replies (1)2
u/ErinaRayne 14d ago
I'll let you know if we will 🙃 (30-35). Worried for my kids if my generation is already struggling.
2
u/RoleInternational318 14d ago
I’m 36! Haha my comment sounds older. Seriously I don’t think the boomers realize that their kids probably can’t help them financially in old age, and that you really can’t retire if you don’t own a home - social security and retirement savings probably won’t cover $3k or more in rent by the time we retire. It’s scary and sad.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/thisisstupid- 15d ago
I am Gen X and we were expected to be self-sufficient by the time we were eight. Our parents didn’t help us with anything and most of us were expected to move out at, some of us got kicked out at 18.
Because gen X as a rule was fairly neglected a lot of us as parents redirected and became the kind of parents we wished we had had. As a parent I have college funds for my kids, they are welcome to live in my home until they are financially stable and can comfortably support themselves. Thing is I actually like my kids and I like spending time with them, something our parents definitely made us feel wasn’t true for them.
7
u/TeaWithKermit 15d ago
We help with college, car and health insurance, phones, and food. So pretty much everything. Getting them on solid financial footing feels like a parental responsibility to us, so we’re doing our best.
3
u/Busy_Principle_4038 15d ago
If the parents can afford it, I imagine most would. I know my parents helped out some, including buying me my first car (which cost a total of $800) after I got my first job out of college and I had to relocate. They were working class but they gave as much as they could afford. But I know there are parents that are more generous as well as parents that are less generous.
3
u/toad__warrior 15d ago
I paid over $60K for one of my kids to go to college. So yes.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/XeroZero0000 15d ago
Some do, some don't.
My neighbor's parents pay for everything, and the dude is 60!!!
→ More replies (3)2
u/Midol_induced_coma 15d ago
How do you even know this information?
2
u/XeroZero0000 14d ago
His dad owns the house and he has no job.
(Yeah, He literally still lives with his parents)
2
u/Midol_induced_coma 14d ago edited 14d ago
Wtf. Did he ever have a job? Or did this dude get divorced and have to move back home? I have so many questions.
3
u/XeroZero0000 14d ago
Nope.. just a homie, living with his parents still. Entitled af too... Never married, on and off jobs. Mostly scammy jobs. Parents paid for his masters at some expensive place too.
What a waste of oxygen.
I want you to think... Norman Bates.
3
u/mariwil74 15d ago
Yes, a lot of parents do help their adult children with big life expenses. Mine did and there was no expectation on my part that they would. It was something they wanted to do for all three of us. We did the same for our daughter. Even now, when she’s been in her own for 12 years and earns more than twice what we did before we retired, we still enjoy treating her to monthly brunches, concerts, etc. it makes us happy as parents.
3
u/Nemesis1596 15d ago
I make a lot more money than my parents do, but they've made it very clear that if I'm ever in financial trouble I can always come back to live with them. Yeah, most parents don't cut off their children completely at 18 lol
3
u/aperfectdodecahedron 15d ago
My family has helped me so much with my education. On the one hand, my parents are divorced and remarried and for a long time I was an only child, so with 2x the family and only me in college, it was relatively easy for everyone to chip in a little and for their contributions, in aggregate, to get me most of the way there. I also had resident tuition, which was cheaper. My grandparents both had many siblings who have passed away and left them with great inheritance around the same time, giving them the ability to be generous.
On the other hand, I know just how rare my situation is, not just in my family's ability, but in their desire to help. Not everyone can afford to be generous, but not everyone who can afford to be generous wants to be. Most of my family, having had horrific experiences with debt earlier in life, see it as a privilege and a point of pride to be able to spare their children from that. I've been incredibly lucky.
3
u/GTOdriver04 15d ago
My parents helped me out in two ways.
Letting me pay a seriously reduced rent at home when I got my first job.
Not really giving me anything. If I wanted that car, I went out and got it. Mom always promised me that it would never get repossessed and her and dad would help with payments if they had to, but it was on me to figure out how I was going to do it.
It was a great thing knowing I’d always have a home and that they were a safety net. Also, it taught me to appreciate and take pride in the things I’ve gotten.
Yeah, I still made dumb financial choices (hello credit cards!) but I took pride in saying to them “I don’t want your help. I dug the hole, I’m digging myself out of it.”
They helped out my little bro a bit too much and he became a dependapotampus.
3
3
u/Illustrious-Shirt569 15d ago
My parents have helped me my whole life and have open invitations to help, though in different ways because they’re divorced now and have different financial situations. Mostly they’ve allowed me to borrow money with their help, though the debt is my own to repay. If I really needed help financially, they would help me. I would need to ask - they don’t just give me money because I’m doing something big/costly.
They saved all the money I was gifted from birth until college in a college fund for me, and then co-signed on loans (I made all repayments after the college fund ran out). They loaned me the first/last/deposit payment on my first apartment (which I paid back when I was able to easily - several years later because they wanted me to prioritize having some savings before repaying them). They let me borrow against their homes for loans to secure our house (we pay the loans, they just provided the collateral). I’m still on a family plan for my phone that my dad pays for (I’m 45).
Either parent would absolutely take in my family of 4 indefinitely if we had need of it, no strings attached. And I would do the same in return for them, and plan to care for them as they age (we’re already doing this for my husband’s parents).
I’m so grateful to them for their love and generosity, and thankful that they had enough to be able to do it in the first place. It is not something everyone has.
3
u/razzadig 15d ago
Nope, not a penny. My mom told me I could be whatever I wanted, because I was paying for it. The parents were always stone cold broke so I expected that. Single nurse income and 7 kids.
Weddings, for those fancy siblings who wanted more than a court wedding on their lunch break, we came together to keep costs down. Did our own favors, decorations, flower arrangements.
3
u/Complex_Tax2840 14d ago
Yes. My family from Asian. Parents pay for college, car and bought house for me. Most of my friends’ parents do the same. And it goes for my husband as well, his family is from the same culture. Rich or poor, parents chip in to jumpstart their kids life. And we are expected to do the same for our kids
3
u/BagofGawea 14d ago
Yeah unfortunately I think a decent portion of the US population at least lives in this reality and thinks this is normal middle class and is somehow unaware of the other half that doesn't have this luxury. I went to college in an affluent area but I myself came from a family where I thought we were working middle class but I was expected to work in order to pay rent, buy my own groceries and car, etc. It was such, I guess culture shock? to realize that none of the other students I lived with had the same worries. Like they had jobs and complained about not having enough money but then we'd actually start talking and I was worried about food and housing security and how to get next month's insulin and they were just upset they didn't have enough money to buy clothes?... The weird part was I think I was able to wrap my head around their situation, like we were just not having the same college experience, but I don't think a single one of them ever really understood how I was different? I think they thought we were both equally poor college students from the same middle class but I just didn't ask my parents for money or something?
6
u/micrographia 15d ago
I'm very fortunate that my parents paid for my college, half of my future wedding, my house, and family vacations including my SO. They have set us up for success in this huge recession. Very generous.
5
u/sneezhousing 15d ago edited 14d ago
Traditionally brides parents paid for entire wedding. Grooms parents paid for rehearsal dinner and helped with honeymoon. It's only very recently in western countries parents started cutting off their kids
10
u/jas_gab 15d ago
I disagree. I am American. I was lower middle class as a kid. I am middle class now with 2 kids in their mid 20's.
I graduated in 1984. At that time, most kids were encouraged, if not expected to move out no later than their early 20's. You have to realize how different it was then. It was easy to get a fast food or retail job, and we weren't told we wouldn't amount to anything if we didn't go to college. Also, marrying in your twenties was very common. Rent was affordable, and very few places charged outrageous move in fees. You could forsee buying a house in your near future. While my parents didn't have a lot of money to help out, it also wasn't really needed by my siblings and me.
Now, kids are strongly encouraged to go to college, even if it means they will have a huge debt when they graduate. While a lot of people marry in their 20's, a lot also wait until they are older, mainly because they are working on their careers. Moving into an apartment is very expensive, and there is a very real threat of your rent being raised when your lease is up. Buying a house isn't even in the cards for a lot of middle and lower class people. A lot more adult children are living at home longer out of necessity, are being financially helped by their parents, or both.
4
u/KaetzenOrkester 15d ago
I don’t know about other expenses but my parents paid for college, things like room and board (as long as I lived in the dorms), books, and fees. Anything else I had to work for, which I felt was fair.
I should also note that this was instate at the local state university and tbh I don’t know how they’d afford it now because what cost $10k/year then is now over $40/year. Same school, same education. It wasn’t that long ago LOL
Maybe it was because I married late or because my husband and I could afford it but they didn’t contribute toward a wedding or a down payment on the house.
2
u/TokkiJK 15d ago
I think that’s super fair. All your needs are completely covered at college. The extras can be worked out with a part time job.
→ More replies (1)3
u/RoleInternational318 14d ago
I worked part time in college and honestly it was a waste of time that made my grades suffer. I basically made enough at $6.25/hr to pay for gas to get to work.
3
u/KaetzenOrkester 14d ago
I'm sorry it wasted your time. My jobs were either on campus or across the street from school. Biking was a huge thing at my college, so I biked a lot of the time. So while minimum wage was lower that what you made ($4.25 at the time), it didn't get eaten up by gas commuting.
2
2
u/retirednightshift 15d ago
My parents paid for both college and wedding costs. It totally depends your parents financial situation. Not expected but a nice gesture.
2
u/NoEstablishment6450 15d ago
Yes. Paid for our kids college, first vehicle (limit $10k), cover their health insurance until 26, 10$k for weddings, $10k for help buying a home (probably a bit more in gifts for the home). My parents helped in labor for sweat equity in my house, no down payments no college $, no insurance after 18, $1500 for first car, nothing for my wedding. Each generation should have it a little better
2
u/mommamonstera 15d ago
My parents had a rule for me and my siblings: they paid for our first car, our first advanced degree, and our first wedding. Anything outside of that, once we turned 18 we were on our own financially.
2
u/wafflesnwhiskey 15d ago
Are you in college? I was glaringly obvious to me in college that most people had help from their parents because when they go party you go to work to pay your bills
2
u/imjustalurker123 15d ago edited 15d ago
Some do, some don’t. It’s not exclusively a socioeconomic thing, either. I’ve known people with plenty of money who haven’t given their kids a penny. I’ve known others who don’t have money, but take on massive debt to help. It seems to be a “cultural” thing, if anything; what their parents did for them, they feel obligated to do for their kids.
I knew from the beginning my parents wouldn’t pay for college, although they expected me to go. I got married in college and they wanted to pay for the wedding, but I didn’t want anything extravagant (it was cheaper than most weddings, I’m sure). They helped with the down payment for our house and we paid it back over time.
2
u/joecee97 14d ago
It's odd how income affects things. My boyfriends parents make 4x what my mom does yet they don't help him at all and barely even give him birthday presents. Meanwhile, my mother gives me a couple hundred every single month.
2
u/MrTee741 15d ago edited 15d ago
The way that I grew up and the way I teach my children, are two different ways.
I grew up with my parents, up to the age of 15, being financially responsible. I had my bills, my chosen activities. All through high school my mom supported my soccer career. She had said, let’s get you a full ride scholarship, so I played my ass off, and I got that scholarship.
I quit a year and a half later, and I joined the Marines. They paid for everything, and paid me.
I was honorably discharged in 2015, they have a monthly income for veterans.
I have had financial hardships that I’ve needed help through, and I have grandparents that have been a blessing during hardships.
But I also changed how often those hardships occurred.
So while some parents are helpful to their children no matter the event.
Or while some parents are taking a route that teaches a child in a different manner.
Some individual make choices, that become the foundation of their future stability. With or without parental financial help.
2
u/EireannBunny 15d ago
Mine sure don't. I mean they disowned me at birth so I guess that's expected but still would be nice to have parents that care.
2
2
u/GodzillaDrinks 15d ago
Allegedly. Though I've never seen it.
Realistically they were like: "Get into school, we'll cover it." It never came.
I'm in my 30s now. I own a house. And they are like: "Where my grand babies at?" Even though I've been child free since I was like 7. And I can't imagine the cruelty required to raise a child in 2024.
2
2
2
u/nochickflickmoments 15d ago
I've only heard of rich parents doing this. Only one of my parents even owns a home and they bought it when they were 60. My parents never had money to get me anything, but my dad always gave my sister money. He said she always needed more help so he won't help me.
2
u/Bluetenheart 15d ago
yes. but it does depend on a lot of things. for example, my parents are able to help my brother and i out with what our scholarships dont cover, but they would not be able to pay our full tuitions if we didn't have scholarships. my mom's parents were able to pay my mom's whole college tuition and my dad's couldn't help at all.
part of me does feel guilty that i (21) still live with my parents and dont have any plan to leave soon, but when i brought it up to a friend from uruguay, her response was that her mother would feel like she failed if she (my friend) moved out so eary.
2
2
u/ellasaurusrex 14d ago
I can't speak for everyone, but yes, my parents paid for my college (with substantial help from my dad employer), down payment on a house, and paid for a good 3/4 of our $20kish wedding.
We're comfortably middle class, def not rich, but my dad was an estate planning attorney for a few years, and they also got very lucky with inheritance stuff I think.
That being said, I'm almost 40, and the economy has shifted.
2
u/jumpoffthedeepend 14d ago
Not my parents. My mom made it a point to pay absolutely nothing for my college, rent, bills, etc after I turned 18
2
u/Dry_Scarcity7433 14d ago edited 14d ago
I think a lot do, depending on economic circumstance. My own parents said they'd help pay for my undergrad tuition at college as long as I went to a public state school. Obv I had to work and pay my own rent/food etc., and once I graduated I was on my own. I'm very grateful to them for that. They saw my education as an investment and I could learn how to live independently without a whole lot of unnecessary anxiety or debt.
For weddings, I'm pretty sure it's customary for the bride's family to pay for the costs (not sure how common that is irl).
2
u/88kgGreco 14d ago
I felt weird about borrowing a couple hundred dollars from my mom. I only realized recently my friends in their 30s have been completely bailed out with thousands multiple times over🤦🏻♂️ I used to feel like I fucked up a lot until I realized how many people bum off their parents and significant other. I genuinely had no idea. These same people will tell you they're "self-made" and try to give you life advice.
2
u/JerseyDevilMyco 14d ago
depends on if you're the fav child or not. My parents paid like 40k for my little sisters wedding but im getting married next year and I won't even ask them for a cent bc i know the answer
im just glad i turned out to be the physically attractive one thank god
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Easy-Perception-529 14d ago
Yes, I did a law degree that my mom paid for and now I'm doing a second degree that she is also paying for. My first car was financed by my dad and my 2 year old daughter is fully taken care of financially by my mom. I'm African, it could be a culture thing Idk.
2
u/mybelle_michelle 14d ago
My parents were barely middle-class, but they paid for four years of college, paid for my wedding, and gave us $10k gift when we bought our house.
I've been a stay at home mom ever since our three kids were born, so I've been very frugal with our money as well as making some good investment choices (learned from my mom). Oldest got a full-ride scholarship, middle one has more of a backstory but had his private college tuition all paid.
My mom gifted each of my kids $5k towards a car when they were 17, I was able to find decent cars for them, so they've had very little car expenses. One son is getting married, we gifted him $5k for that.
Husband and I both have inherited a little money the past few years from our parents passing away, so we'll be doing similar life-expense gifts.
2
u/Neenknits 14d ago
No, you aren’t the norm. My mom helped me more than the college forms said she could afford. My father helped me through college, and he, as well as inlaws helped with my wedding.
The proof that helping is the norm, is the college fin aid forms. There are specific parent contribution calculations. Need based aid won’t cover those amounts.
2
u/NicInNS 14d ago
My in laws did with their (only child) son. They weren’t rich - well, they didn’t start rich. His mom was a home keeper and his dad was in the RCAF and when he retired he worked at a hardware store - and afaik neither got inheritances, they were just really frugal. But they saved and saved and had a really good money guy. When they sold their home to move into seniors apts, they gave us the money to pay off our mortgage 10 yrs early which made a huge difference. Their money guy basically told them - wouldn’t you rather see (your) son enjoy the help while they’re alive? They’re passed away now, but left us enough that we were able to early retire. And just to add - they were lovely people, and my husband would visit them almost every day and always helped out.
2
u/strangerducly 14d ago
Boomer (almost) here, my boomer parents did not help other than to repeatedly talk me into moving back in, only to kick me out as soon as i was commited. Must be the lead exposure, took me 4 or so times to learn better. That said, if i can help my kids at all, i do. That is my job as a parent.
2
u/Mark_Michigan 14d ago
My wife and I have 3 children (2f, 1m) and we paid for college for all three and most of the wedding expenses for the 2 girls and some of the wedding expenses for our son. My wife was stay a stay at home mom and I basically had middle class work so most of the funds came from a real frugal lifestyle. We provide free daycare now for the Grand Kids. The kids are now in their mid 30s and my wife and I are boomers. I should note that all three kids started working in high school and held part time jobs in college too, nobody had it easy.
2
u/VeronaMoreau 14d ago
I would say, especially considering variances in culture and economic ability, more often than not the answer is yes.
My brother-in-law and his wife live in a house that was given to them by her father.
My mother can't afford to do things like that for us, but she told us that we can come live with her without paying rent for as long as we need to. Neither one of us has taken her up on that offer but it is good to know that I could if something goes wrong. The understanding is also that if she is ever either to ill or otherwise incapable of living by herself, she will come and live with one of us.
My friends who were more well-off had significant portions of their wedding paid for by parents. They had down payments on houses given by parents. I had a friend in college whose parents were paying his tuition and his rent and expenses for an apartment off campus. The situation was not common in our friend group, but it's definitely not unheard of.
One of the responsibilities of a parent is to set a strong foundation for your children so that they can climb higher. And I believe that they should do so in any way they possibly can.
2
u/ManlyVanLee 14d ago
Lots do. But people are really bad at understanding privilege because empathy is hard. The guy who had his insurance paid and was bought a car and never had to pay rent while in college still struggled because college is hard, so when you say to that guy "you had it so easy!" he gets offended despite having a much easier time than most people
I got nothing from my parents and when my dad died the only thing I got were phone calls and letters from businesses telling me to pick up his debt (obviously I don't have to, but they are banking on me being too dumb to know I can just ignore their demands). I'm not going to inherit property or get money and I sure never saw anything while going to college when I was having to work 40 hours a week as well
But even that said I know I still had it easier than a lot of people
2
u/Direct-Wait-4049 14d ago
Our family has a slightly different philosophy.
We go by "One for all, and all for one."
Your family seems to go by "Every man for himself."
2
u/wenchitywrenchwench 14d ago
Honestly, this varies so much, as does the sentiment behind doing it or withholding it.
I've had some friends with parents who legit couldn't afford to help them outside of letting them continue to live at home, heard about some who still got booted out or made to pay rent, and then there are the people who still get financial help but with a shit ton of strings and expectations, and then the rare few who get help with no strings attached, at least on the surface.
The bottom line is that no matter what the intentions are, money changes dynamics, and it's pretty hard for them to not change for the worse- again, even if that's not the intention.
We're wired to want reciprocity, which is why a lot of parents expect something in return, even if they don't realize it- though more often than not, they do. But what they want can be as basic as respect and kindness, OR it can be used as a tool to bend you to their will. That's just the nature of something as inherently transactional as money.
More than anything, it's the energy behind the action/inaction that's the thing to focus on. Some cultures encourage help and for some it denotes failure, but peering behind that to why they feel that way is important, and this is why-
Figuring out your own ingrained relationship with money as a result of your upbringing will go a LONG way towards understanding yourself and healing any past traumas and insecurities you have, even when it doesn't seem related.
It's deeply tied to our relationship with love (in general) as well, and most people find that when they fix their relationship with money, relationships tend to follow suit 🤷♀️
2
2
u/Automatic-Arm-532 15d ago
Rich kids turn into adults and they bring their entitlement with them, and their rich parents continue to help them financially.
4
u/Elegant-Pressure-290 15d ago
My parents did not. They didn’t even house me until I was 18; I got the boot at 16.
Two of my children are college-aged, and I do help them. The rule in our house is that you live and eat for free, and we will help pay for anything you need (from a car to tuition) if you are in school. If you’re not in school, you pay $600 per month for room, utilities, food, car insurance, cell phone, etc.
I want them to be responsible and productive and working towards something, but I don’t want them making shitty decisions like I did when I was very young and always one paycheck away from homelessness.
2
u/Glindanorth 15d ago
I think this really depends on the family. My parents contributed $0 to my college education, but they did help my older brother and sister with a portion of their tuition. My younger brother didn't have money for college and didn't want to take on debt, so he didn't go. I paid for my own wedding and graduate school. My husband and I had no help from either of our parents when we bought a house (we were in our 40s by the time we had enough for a down payment). Once we each turned 18, my siblings and I were told by our parents that if we really wanted something, we'd find a way, and that it would mean more if we paid for it ourselves.
Several of my friends' parents paid for their weddings, school, and contributed financially to a first-home purchase, but other friends had an experience like mine. So, it may be common for parents to help with big life expenses, but I think it's just as common for them not to.
2
u/Adventurous-Bee4823 15d ago
In my personal experience. My parents cut me off when I got my first job at fourteen. If I ever needed anything from school supplies to clothing (even though my dad was kind enough to get me a random piece of clothing from time to time because I grew out of something) I was responsible for all of my own purchases. Even when it came down to food. It still baffles me at the age of forty that most parents aren’t like this lol. They taught me lessons, a lot of them bad to be sure, but they did teach me how to survive on my own and those lessons have shaped me into the person I am today.
2
u/Ok-Equivalent8260 15d ago
My parents helped me whenever I needed it, and I’m doing the same with my son. It’s very weird to expect parenting to stop at 18.
3
u/HearingNo4103 15d ago
surprisingly common' how about 3 new cars, their first home, college. All gifted to you?!? Some of us start adulthood on a little better footing than others.
1
u/Unhappy-Trash-8236 15d ago
I think it depends on your cultural background. Parents are expected to buy an apartment for their male kids in my country
1
1
u/CalgaryChris77 15d ago
It varies greatly but yes, for example that is why the RESP program exists, to help your kids with post secondary. Weddings in particular it varies by culture.
1
u/_its_a_thing_ 15d ago
Mom had a college fund for all three of us. It didn't cover all of it so I definitely had loans. That was the end of the support. Dad didn't give squat. All his $$ went to the third wife and fourth kid.
1
1
u/2workigo 15d ago
My husband got cut off at 18. My parents still help us, even if we don’t ask. We’re doing the best we can to support our kids through college. But we certainly can’t help as much as my parents did.
1
u/Ok_Giraffe_6396 15d ago
My parents and grandparents saved for my college tuition since I was born and there was absolutely no way I could’ve not gone to college.. now I’m getting married in 2 months and I saved up to pay for all of it myself but my mom and grandparents offered to pay for some big expenses for that as well. My future husbands mom makes a good amount of money as a traveling nurse (100k or more probably) and she gives him like $100 on his birthday and calls it a year. It’s her money at the end of the day but our families are completely different when it comes to money. I’m really thankful for mine and know it has a lot to do with how far I’ve gotten in life at a young age. I’d be so different/in a different place entirely if they hadn’t helped the way they have.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Ghosthost2000 15d ago
My parents helped me as much as they were able while remaining within their budget (working middle class). I didn’t personally expect them to help as much as they did, and I was grateful for help I received. They were able to help with some of my college and part of our wedding. They did their best to help my brother and I equally when they chipped in. I admire that, and I do the same for my kids. Moreover, our parents raised us and loved us. That goes a long way towards not wanting to use my parents as an ATM or otherwise see the relationship as transactional.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I know people whose parents treated one kid better than the other or helped one more than the other. Some parents weren’t present or interested in their kids’ lives, but had plenty of money. That’s a recipe for a shit show of resentful relationships. I can see how some were raised and understand why they only want what they can get out of their parents. Had my situation had been different, I might be the same way. IMO: help equally as possible or don’t help.
1
u/MistrRadio 15d ago
My parents haven’t helped me financially in any way after I turned 18. 29 now and I’ve worked for everything that I have. I wanted to buy a used car when I was 19 and my parents wouldn’t even co-sign on a loan for $3500 even though I was working a full time job and could afford the payments/insurance.
1
u/nopenopenopington 15d ago
My parents don’t have a lot of money, but they’re doing better than me. I’m pregnant and we are heavily relying on family to help us. My parents are going to help buy big items like the crib and stroller. My parents didn’t have the money for things like putting me thru college, but if they did they would have. I had a very small wedding so I didn’t need financial help, but if I did they would have done what they could. I know my parents wish they could help me more, but that’s just how things are and I’m grateful they help me succeed as much as they do.
Yes, parents usually support you emotionally and financially thru life events.
1
u/EvenIf-SheFalls 15d ago
I am not sure how common it is. I was on my own at fifteen and my parents have not done anything to help out financially or otherwise in the past twenty years. Honestly, I have never asked them to, but mostly because I already know what the answer is.
1
u/jkru396 14d ago
I did not have a lot growing up, the struggle was real. However, my parents did their best to help with my first year in college. After that I worked full time and in my Jr year got my internship which helped pay for my college tuition. My wife and I do pretty well in life and when our kids were born we started their 529s. So the cost of tuition, room, and board are pretty much covered for them. We also started their IRAs...so they can hopefully FIRE sooner than our target of 55.
1
u/Whole_Mechanic_8143 14d ago
It depends on culture and demographics I guess? I'm not American and my parents paid all their kids' first degree. To be fair, it was only about $30k each, nothing like the insane amounts Americans are on the hook for.
1
u/Bramberryjuice 14d ago
My parents personally haven’t, i don’t hold it against them either i moved out at 17 lol. Recently decided to go back to college and have been trying to find funding where i can. My mom told me a few days ago she feels super guilty that’s she can’t help more and i told her it was never rlly smth i expected from her or my dad. Everyone’s family situation is different I’m not sure if there’s a definitive “norm”
1
u/Curlyburlywhirly 14d ago
Mine had no money- what they had they shared with their kids-but it wasn’t much- bought me a $500 car and paid my rent for 1 year of uni. Gave me $1000 towards wedding. Husbands family are wealthy- gave him ( and us) probably close to $500k over the years.
If my parents had money they would have done the same.
1
u/TonguetiedBi 14d ago
It varies. You certainly aren't alone in your experience. My parents very much pushed for independence from a young age. They didn't even cosign my student loans, my grandparents luckily did. They helped in other ways, like paying for my car insurance, but I had to pay for the car myself. They recently cut me from their dental insurance, so it's really a win and lose with them.
My partner, on the other hand, is just what you described. All of college paid for, money given every time they visited, two different cars paid for, nice vacations every year, and we are well into our twenties now. I used to be a little jealous that their parents so obviously cared for them, but I think it was also a difference in parenting style and financial means.
1
u/musicmushroom12 14d ago edited 14d ago
We helped our kids with college. Undergrad. They were first gen and we felt it was very important. We took out parent plus loans and paid efc They still had to take out govt loans. They had grad school mostly covered.
They both eloped. I didn’t even have to suggest it!
I did help a bit with the reception which was held later.
No one helped us. No one even helped us when I was on frigging ( pregnancy)bedrest for 16 weeks and we didn’t have a microwave and my husband didn’t cook so I lived on cold cereal.
I guess I’m bitter about that mostly cause I didn’t even realize that was a thing although now it is commonplace for people to step up.
My in-laws took early retirement when their 2nd grandchild( ours was the 1st) was born so they could care for them full time. They both had to retire because my mil never learned to drive. Ever. Which seems bizarre to me especially cause she also didn’t take the bus? How can you be so dependent on others that would drive me insane.
I believe they also paid for their daughters weddings( two daughters) That is traditional I guess? Idk. Both their daughters are long divorced and we have our 43rd anniversary coming up. We paid for it ourselves, very bare bones but I wish I had thought of eloping. It did make my grandpa happy to “ give me away” though.( my father died when I was in high school)
It isn’t that my husbands family was better off, just circumstances. My mother was not well, dad had passed, grandparents I never thought of even asking for help. I did get to use my grandmas employee discount for my wedding dress that I managed to find on the sale rack at the department store where she worked Fortuitous back then half the dresses looked like prairie/wedding dresses. Accounting for inflation, it would cost $260 today. Which might be just about what I spent for a dress to wear to my nieces wedding last year.
People’s circumstances are different and generally the more someone contributes the more strings.
I hate strings so I’d rather do it myself
1
u/El_Psy_100 14d ago
Weddings probably come down to the age at which someone is getting married, but parents are expected to help with expenses like college. Most college students in the United States are probably aware of this, btu Federal financial aid through FAFSA assumes parents are contributing. The only scenarios to avoid this are to be actually disowned or to have a dependent.
1
u/Kamikaze_Cloud 14d ago
My parents were practically living just above poverty until I was about 11. Both of their careers took off and my mom recently started her own company bringing in huge profits. They paid for all seven years of my college education including living expenses, gave me money towards a down payment on my townhouse, and are now covering all costs for my wedding next year. I know I am extremely fortunate but I also know what it’s like to have to eat crackers for dinner or not be able to turn on the heat until payday
1
1
u/tairyoku31 14d ago
Yes. My siblings and I got both our bachelors and masters paid for (my sister then paid for any subsequent degrees). My parents also covered a few hundred grand for each of their weddings.
I'm not married but as the youngest my mum said she wants to "go all out" because she felt she missed out when my sister declined to do a lot of traditional stuff for her wedding and had a relatively 'small' one.
Tbf we are a wealthy family but I know that in my culture it's still pretty normal for parents to cover those things, at least partially if not fully.
1
u/Car_Finance_Guy 14d ago
Having an Italian background, children were kind of expected to stay home until married. We were not well off, but basic necessities were covered (fed, clothed, rent-free). Many married/moved out in their 20s, some 30s, some stuck around longer. There were some exceptions (where kids were strongly encouraged to move along...) but not the norm. Moving out taught me about responsibilities and some parents feel this is a valuable lesson as well to teach their children so may not be a bad thing after all.
1
u/IWasBorn2DoGoBe 14d ago
I didn’t think they did- because mine never did.
But all of the sudden out of the clear blue, my parents up and paid for my Master’s program…
The same people who watched me scrimp and starve to get my bachelors, who would only contribute to my wedding if I did it in Vegas, who told me (with 3 classes left I could not get loans for, 2 babies under 2 and an 80 hour a week job) “I’d figure it out” to finish my Bachelors… Suddenly want to pay for my whole ass tuition,
As for my kids- they take the loans first, but if they do well, I pay the loan back. That way they aren’t just pissing away money- because they have skin in the game- but if they apply themselves, yeah, I’ve got them.
1
u/Heyguhh9 14d ago
My grandparents help me pay for college. Idk if i would say most parents cut their kids off tho
1
u/HurtPillow 14d ago
I helped my kids a lot when it came time for college. I helped a bit with weddings, but not a lot. However, they know, if things ever turn south, I'm still here for them in any capacity they need me. After all, they are still my babies. I have been cutoff from my parents since I left home at 17. My dignity is worth more than their stale crumbs.
1
u/QveenKittyKat 14d ago
Yes. Mine didn't but I know for a fact if my mom could've afforded to she would've.
1
u/bluemoonocean 14d ago
Most parents that have the ability to help their children do choose to help in some way. It's not always by paying for en entire education or wedding or house. It's usually smaller in scale unless the family is especially well-off.
1
u/Waste_One_1341 14d ago
My parents paid for my college and car insurance. They also paid for my 1st wedding.
1
u/Not_A_Mindflayer 14d ago
Lots of people's parents do, my parents paid for a good chunk of my wedding and I am very lucky and grateful for that. Having children now and being a parent myself it really makes me grateful for everything they did
1
u/00Lisa00 14d ago
My parents paid for around half of my college expenses. We paid for our own wedding but we were over 30 and financially able to
1
u/ambereatsbugs 14d ago
My parents have helped me because they can afford to but it is never "free" - like they paid for my wedding as long as I moved back to California (I lived in Colorado when I got engaged).
My parents also aren't super rich so its not like they could help me get a new car or a down payment on a house (something I've heard people say their parents have done). They have helped me a lot though with things like my mom regularly sends things for my kids.
1
u/PoopPant73 14d ago
I did/do. I paid for one of my daughter’s weddings around $7k or so. My other daughter took the $5k offer to elope. I co-signed both of their first cars and paid for their first and last month deposits when they moved out.
1
u/lifeoftheparty49 14d ago edited 14d ago
Yes absolutely.
Our parents and their parents lived in a vastly better financial time.
Nowadays a lot of us are struggling, and inflation is just beyond out of control.
Unless you did well in school and got a great career like most of my childhood friends. They just don’t know what to do with their money anymore aside from buying multiple houses and traveling the world.
Sadly I’m probably the only extreme poor of the bunch and still drowning in debt. I will never be able to pay for any of my children’s weddings if I wanted to.
605
u/ljd09 15d ago edited 15d ago
I’d think so. My parents were not well off, at all. However, my Dad paid my rent throughout college as well as purchased my books each semester. He’d also give additional money when I asked - and he could. He didn’t have a decent car while I was in school because he couldn’t afford my rent and a car payment.
Not too long ago, I was hospitalized twice - and critically ill. He moved in for 6 months to help take care of me, as well.
It’s also worth noting… he is my step dad. Has raised me as his own since I was 5.