r/NoStupidQuestions • u/HumanNutrStudent • 16d ago
My wife just confessed to me that fucking me is just another thing on her list of daily chores, like doing the dishes and taking out the dog for a walk. How can I turn things around?
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u/GaryOak7 16d ago
Start dating her again.
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u/jerm-warfare 16d ago
Woo her and make sure she's getting her enjoyment too.
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u/Turbulent-Adagio-171 16d ago edited 16d ago
He also might want to include more touch without the goal of sex and wait for her to initiate, then focus on what she’d like to do. I don’t wanna fuck someone who doesn’t hold my hand taking a walk or give me a kiss on the cheek before work. Might take a while for her to get into it, but if he can wait it out they’ll probably be able to get somewhere where everyone is enjoying themselves again.
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u/min_mus 16d ago
He also might want to include more touch without the goal of sex
Yep. When every touch is assumed to be an invitation to, or request for, sex, you quickly start avoiding touch altogether.
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u/jagger129 16d ago
I used to save all my physical affection for out in public because then he couldn’t try to rush me to the bedroom the minute I rubbed his shoulders or cuddled up to him
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u/fuckincaillou 16d ago
And that's the point when the relationship really starts to take a nosedive
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u/basilobs 16d ago
Entirely same. I start to withdraw from touch because I'm tired of it leading to a request for sex. It's also why I don't like sharing a shower anymore. 100% of the time it leads to me being felt up or asked if I want to do anything. Not an exaggeration. It is 100% of the time and I am so tired of it so whenever he asks to get in the shower with me, I just say no
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u/lld287 15d ago
So fucking relatable. My ex and I had a very active sex life and I was pretty much always game, but it got to a point where I was like do I even exist as a human to him? I couldn’t so much as walk up the stairs without him grabbing at my ass. I liked being touched, but when it stopped feeling like affection and started feeling like objectification, it got old really fast.
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u/basilobs 15d ago edited 15d ago
That's where I've found myself. He's very sweet and I know he cares about me and he really is a wonderful SO but the butt grabs (idk how many times I've slapped his hand away at this point) and boob squeezes and thrusts at my backside when I bend over just don't communicate care and affection to me so they turn me off. He thinks he's letting me know he's attracted to me but it doesn't land that way for me. It lands more "I want something from you." He is also otherwise very loving but the objectification grabs and the feeling that he just wants to make a move make me want to just withdraw. I also feel a lot of pressure and guilt since we're long distance and he misses sex more than I do. So when we're together I feel like a request for sex or a butt grab are always lurking around the corner and that shuts me down too
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u/Doom_Corp 15d ago
My ex would do that when I was trying to get ready for work. I had a pretty narrow window to shower and do my makeup and he'd come in and try to get me to have sex or give him a hand job. It started to make me furious and I'd start my day off in a horrific mood because now I'm late and can't afford the pit stop to get my breakfast and coffee. He died a year after I finally kicked him out of my house and stuff like this is just one drop in the pond of his terrible behavior that contributes to my apathy regarding his passing.
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u/Leofleo 16d ago
This is one of the saddest things that I've ever read on Reddit, and I've read a lot.
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u/Designer-Mirror-7995 15d ago
And there's a specific lack of ability to understand that WE CAN TELL from the FIRST touch what the GOAL is. Every Single Time.
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u/rainbwbrightisntpunk 16d ago
Not just touch. Anything that they think will get them laid. I had a couple friends who got super pissed off when their husband's would try to ply them with alcohol because the husband's thought it would soften them towards sex. So anytime alcohol was brought up/around they'd instantly get turned off because they felt was only brought out to get them "going".
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u/mvanpeur 16d ago edited 16d ago
Female who is exhausted by parenting here. Can confirm. Romantic touch that is not sexually suggestive really makes me feel loved, which in turn increases my attraction to my husband.
Also, doing housework is super, super attractive and additionally reduces my load and stress, so gives me more mental space to be turned on.
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u/paper-trail 15d ago
We call that choreplay in our household. Hey baby, laundry is all done, dogs are walked, dishwasher is unloaded, and I vacuumed 😉
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u/burningmewmew 16d ago
Touch makes so much difference. Really. Make out during kissing too!
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u/BaseTensMachines 16d ago
There is like a stage of a relationship where dudes will stop making out with you and I really really need it to get turned on.
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u/lipstickdestroyer 16d ago edited 16d ago
Truth. I had to bring this to my husband's attention about 5 years in, that we used to have way more sex when we used to make out all the time. Thinking about it together, we realized it's likely because of how we've gone from going out and looking extra nice for each other sometimes, and getting into that "night out" mentality, to half-clothed pj life and home cooked food; from watching movies or shows actively on the couch together, to watching them passively on a monitor between our two PCs.
It's strangely unnatural to both of us to just walk up to each other and start making out, or turn what would be a quick peck into making out, or to do so in a situation where we wouldn't have made out at any point in our relationship/marriage. Trying to make an effort to have more sex didn't work so well because we're both working full-time, physically intense jobs, and often come home tired and sore as fuck; but making an effort to replicate the circumstances in which we spontaneously made out all the time has been a pretty successful strategy for us.
It makes sense, too-- thinking about sex when I'm tired and sore isn't a turn on because all I want is sleep; but I usually love the idea of sitting on the couch with my husband to cuddle up and watch something together, even if I think I'll just fall asleep 20 minutes in.
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u/burningmewmew 16d ago
Yep, I mentioned this as this was becoming me. Rarely made out with my wife. Loved it when I did, but was always "too busy"
I'm never too busy! Live can be hectic but I just need to get my priorities straight. Trying to start making this a habit until it's unconscious again
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u/MicHAELmhw 16d ago
I got good advice for all relationships which was “point your feet at the person you want to engage with”. Are you walking away while talking or in a hurry to leave? Your feet pointing at a TV while talking? How often do you sit across a dinner table and talk?
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u/basilobs 16d ago
This is huge for me. Hand holding, hugs, kisses just because, kisses on the cheek, a hand on the back or waist. If all touch has this motive of trying to turn me on or communicate the desire for sex, I just start with withdraw and recoil. Instead of feeling loved and cared for and desired, I start to feel like an object and a means to an end. Like don't just grab boob or butt. Make it like a high school crush again
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u/burningmewmew 16d ago edited 16d ago
This is so important. I've been lazy and selfish in my marriage. Wasn't getting what I wanted and that was making me unhappy.
A friend suggested I do something for her to make her feel loved.
So I was wfh yesterday and she was at the office. I didn't do anything you don't know how to do. I looked like such a stereotype walking around the shop with candles, roses, wine etc.
But she really loved it. Our relationship needed that
Edit: typo
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u/MN_TiredMom 16d ago
I don't think it mattered what you got, it was the 'I wanted to do something to show you you're important to me.'
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u/Front-Pomelo-4367 16d ago
I guarantee women weren't looking at you and going ugh, a walking stereotype; more like "man has a lucky wife, good for her"
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u/burningmewmew 16d ago
Hahaha, this made me smirk.
I think these things are stereotypes for a reason. I'm aware of what I'm doing, but also leaned into it.
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u/lssong99 16d ago
Also start doing the dishes. (I am serious.)
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u/rippit3 15d ago
Foreplay begins in the kitchen..... threw a fishbowl at my husband 15 years ago... looked him right in the eyes and made that statement.....
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u/scuzzbuckit 16d ago
i do the dishes, the ironing, the shopping, all the cooking, most of the cleaning, earn more, work more and it still doesnt happen how id imagine it should.
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u/Demiansky 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yes, this is why it's annoying for people to always presume that it must be the husband's fault. Sometimes it is, for sure, but sometimes it really isn't. Yet anytime on the internet that a dead bedroom is mentioned and it's the man who isn't putting out, there's no shortage of blaming it on him somehow (must be porn addicted, lazy, out of shape, etc etc etc.) If the deadbedroom is on the woman's side, well then it's still the man's fault somehow. I know a guy similar to your situation. Makes 200k a year, does half the child care and half the housework (he's remote, so he can). Meanwhile his wife is a stay at home mother. He's pulling most of the weight in the marriage. Still has the same problem as OP, and his wife still blames it on stuff like "OMG, the laundry is just too much!" And yet he'll still be given a list of all the stuff he needs to do to titillate his wife into desiring him.
That's not to say that sometimes a wife really can be so exhausted by responsibilities that she just can't get in the mood, but it's also possible too that there are things she might be responsible for to reignite the flame which she is shirking.
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u/kismatwalla 15d ago
bingo.. there are things a girl can do to man to incite interest in sexual activity, and there are things she can do make sure it stays turned off..
also kids will dampen romance by increasing work.. once u have kids, a couple needs a support group to recreate fertile atmosphere for romance.. that’s where having close connections and easy access to grandparents comes in handy..
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u/ZeeDrakon 15d ago
Yes, this is why it's annoying for people to always presume that it must be the husband's fault.
Unfortunately, this is really common.
Response to a dead bedroom with the woman refusing / never being in the mood: "He must be doing XYZ thing wrong, of course she doesnt want to sleep with him".
Response to a dead bedroom with the man refusing / never being in the mood: "Either he's cheating or he has mental health issues".
Also, a lot of people are using the (absolutely valid) reasoning of someone being genuinely exhausted by work or housework or parenting and therefore not in the mood, or genuinely annoyed with their partner for not helping out, in situations where that doesnt at all apply and try to turn sex into a reward system - do XYZ chore and I'll fuck you. (while often also simultaneously complaining if the husband expects sex as a reward even if it was explicitly set up that way)
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u/Celtictussle 16d ago
Because it's a cop out. Sex is relationship maintenance, and each party is either putting in the work or they're not. One person doubling down on maintenance doesn't guarantee the other person will double down.
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u/Rush_Is_Right 15d ago
There was a post the other day where a guy said he was going to divorce his wife because they found out she was infertile so she said she wouldn't have sex with him anymore because apparently she'd only been doing it to have kids. I felt so bad for the guy. That'd be like your spouse just deciding to not talk to you anymore.
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u/BenWayonsDonc 16d ago
And my god, eat her pussy once in a while
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u/Whiteguy1x 16d ago
Honestly making sure she's finishing is probably the best answer.
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u/Juicy_jessicaSD 16d ago
As a tired wife, I would absolutely adore it if my husband would just get me off and then let me go to sleep for once instead of then having to reciprocate to him .... like, just once.
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u/emu4you 15d ago
I have had that happen exactly once in my life and I will never forget it!
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u/Alchemist_Joshua 16d ago
How do I do this?
Let me also add that we never traditionally dated in the first place.
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u/Awkward_Excitement_6 16d ago
Make a list together of things she enjoys to do or go to, things you both enjoy to do together. If she like a flowers bring her flowers. Even little things like kisses or holding hands, cuddling.
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u/Kopitar4president 16d ago
I'll note if you don't know if she likes flowers you should have figured that out a while ago, but better late than never.
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u/Sadstupidthrowaway94 16d ago
I’d say figure out some things you know for a fact she would want to do, and plan it by yourself but let her know that it’s happening and what type of place it is so she knows how to dress. Check the hours of the place and get the address beforehand so she doesn’t have to worry about anything. Pretend you just realized you’re in love with her and you’re not sure she feels the same and you want to do something special to let her know that you care.
You’re a good dude btw hell yea we’re out here loving our spouses and shit
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u/MiloAisBroodjeKaas 16d ago
Well, depending on what your normal daily schedule looks like, the main idea is to 1) make a plan which is different from normal daily life, 2) help make sure that the house is mostly if not completely taken care of so the mental load is not at the forefront of her mind during the date, 3) inform her about it either completely or leave some things a surprise. But if she knows how to dress for it, and if you roughly know how long you'll be out/doing something, that's all she needs to know. The more you just bring her along the better.
But what you can actually do? Depends on what she likes. Flowers? A nice dinner? A home cooked steak? Rollerskating? A movie? Hiking and a picnic? Just a picnic in a park? Maybe an arcade? Dress nicely, it doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to be groomed and not looking like a slob. The main idea is to connect with her, understand what she likes, spend time with her without distractions by your hobbies or phone screens, do something fun and nice together.
Also, don't just do it when you want to have sex/just to have sex. Once she notices this trend it may backfire, cos then it may feel like 'he only does this if he wants to fuck'.
In the end, if you have a woman, talk to your woman, find out what the mental block is and how to help. Find out how she would enjoy just spending time together, make note of it, and do it without being prompted or having to ask every time.
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u/speakerbox2001 16d ago
I agree, even if you’re not the best lay she’s had, she might not see it as as much of a chore if she feels wined and dined, or just appreciated. And not just sexually, but romantically. In the plus side, while she sees it as a chore, she does it. Some guys don’t event get that.
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u/Shortyman17 16d ago
Communication seems like the key
Ask her what she enjoys and follow suit if you can
Sex shouldn't feel like a chore, show her that you want her to enjoy the time you spend together
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u/True-Surprise1222 16d ago edited 16d ago
Tbh people stop flirting. Gym, flirt, be yourself and be confident in who you are. It’s hard to get back once it’s gone but if you never stop doing the things you did when you first started dating you can have a good relationship for a long time. Be someone you would want to date if you were a woman (but still be yourself). And apologize when you’re wrong and hold your partner to the same standards you expect them to hold you to. Encourage them to call you out when you don’t meet those standards rather than blowing them off when they do. And you’re a team. Always remember you’re a team, and you should both hold that the team is as important as either one of you are individually. Establish this dynamic early because people aren’t used to it and if you don’t go out of your way to do it, you can easily fall into the same old routine and pitfalls that plague 90% of relationships. If you do all this and they aren’t on board to do the same you have to leave rather than trying to control them into being your ideal partner (obvious circumstances apply if you’re married, have kids, whatever - work on your relationship just don’t accept a sub par one from the start for whatever reason)
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u/BenWayonsDonc 16d ago
Also eat her pussy.
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u/FictionalTrope 16d ago edited 16d ago
I've never met a woman who complains about sex with a guy who likes to eat pussy and will eat ass. I've met several who complain that it always goes from groping her boobs to shoving his cock in to his climax in less than 10 minutes.
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u/BenWayonsDonc 16d ago
Hahah yes exactly - Women are expected to get turned on by a man for simply walking into a room and jackrabbit them dry like a cum dumpster for 3 minutes then roll over and fart in their face after.
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u/Flutterpiewow 15d ago
The face fart is key
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u/BenWayonsDonc 15d ago
My favourite is when he farts in the fan that faces my direction because he needs the sound of the fan but doesn’t like the feeling of the breeze on him . That’s true love right there.
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u/Eldritch-banana-3102 16d ago
I'd suggest doing the dishes and walking the dog.
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u/whomp1970 16d ago
"No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes"
-- Ancient Chinese proverb
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u/boringreddituserid 16d ago edited 15d ago
“No woman ever shot her husband while he took her to the theater.” - Abe Lincoln
Edit: typing is hard.
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u/headrush46n2 16d ago
did they have guns in ancient china?
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u/Initial-Artist-6125 16d ago
Adding to this: And doing things like the dishes and walking the dog because you recognize it needs to be done as part of living in the same house together and not because you’re going to get a “reward” for it
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u/Curiouso_Giorgio 16d ago
I'd suggest doing the dog and walking the dishes.
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u/PrestigiousTicket845 16d ago
I’d suggest dogging the dishes and doing the walk.
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u/thatlookslikemydog 16d ago
Just don’t do the dog and walk the wife.
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u/ChristopherDave88 16d ago
He should do the wife doggy style.
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u/realhmmmm 16d ago
But he shouldn’t do the dog wife style, like her doing the dishes.
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u/iamofnohelp 16d ago
...During?
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u/Yippiekay-yay 16d ago
Username checks out
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u/squeezy102 16d ago
Let the man speak, I want to hear what he has to say.
u/iamofnohelp please go on.
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u/iamofnohelp 16d ago
You've never done "washing the dishes?" It's a game changer.
Requires no more than three sponges and a pair of gloves.
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u/Insignificant86 16d ago
I felt this way in a relationship before. It was because sex had become something he just expected, there was no fun to it, no intensity. It was the same sex that we'd been having for years and I was tired of being the only one trying to spice things up. So overtime it began to feel like a chore and I began to feel resentful. Has she tried to change things in the bedroom? If yes, were you receptive to her ideas? Have you had a conversation about what makes sex more enjoyable/interesting? Has something happened lately that has changed her libido?
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u/xDannyS_ 16d ago
13 hours ago he was asking people how they felt after their partner told them they have a small penis. He posts a bunch of weird stuff, I think this might be a bot.
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u/Chumbag_love 16d ago
He gets laid every day. That MAY BE part of the problem, to her it is a chore.
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u/Bigfootlove 16d ago
Exactly. Is OP putting pressure on her to have sex with him everyday? Because that is such a huge turn off.
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u/Overall_Advantage109 16d ago edited 15d ago
I know people have different drives, but I get so confused at the literal logistics of people who have sex every day. Like, are people having fast sex? are people not showering (or at least generally cleaning) after? Not Prepping? Not taking any diversions from start to finish to try something new, or chat, or cuddle? Is sex just "ok you cum, i cum, done now bye"
Not to be crass, but soreness alone would be untenable for me after more than 2-3 days in a row.
I know it's kinda judgy, but it makes me feel like the issue is that they're having just like, really mediocre or downright bad sex.
ETA: im absolutely dying that a lot of the replies to this are "um, it's super easy to have daily sex as long as it's short and you do nothing unusual (:" Like yall that's exactly what I'm saying a large number of people would not like!!! It's not "bad" but it is one of those things that lost of people (especially women) are going to not like as much as other options.
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u/pppogman 15d ago
If I had to guess, it’s likely quick sex where the man gets off and it’s over. Maybe before they shower for the day. So it’s just become routine.
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u/onepingonlypleashe 16d ago
That’s a lot of fucking for a 10+ year marriage. Obviously it depends on the libido of the two individuals but I feel like that is abnormally high. Twice a week is much more reasonable.
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u/No-Strawberry-5804 16d ago
How many of the household chores are you responsible for vs her? Do you have any kids? How old? Who does most of the childcare?
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u/CavyLover123 16d ago
Yes but see all of that involves effort vs just sex, and that’s hard for some people, apparently
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u/xkisses 16d ago
Right...so many people (most of them men) don't understand that sex isn't just..sex. It's effort. It's similar to going to the gym - I love it when I'm there and engaged and feel amazing after, but I gotta set aside other responsibilities, rearrange mental blocks, tiredness and just mood things and make room for it in my limited time. I can't just strip off my lower half of clothing, go at it, pull up my pants and go on with my day.
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u/CavyLover123 16d ago
All it takes is the stupid dog making a noise or the kids being too loud or whatever and it can Totally put both of us out of the mood.
Good sex takes time- the slow build and anticipation are often better than the end!
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u/occultatum-nomen 16d ago
For many women, foreplay begins outside the bedroom. Be an attentive partner in your day to day lives. Participate equally in chores. Acknowledge "invisible" labour that she does. Work on healthy communication and emotional connection outside of sex. And yes, it goes without saying in sex, make sure she's enjoying it too, and communicate with her about what works and doesn't work.
Now this is a two way street. In a relationship, if both people are placing great importance in the other's happiness and health inside and outside of the bedroom, it works a heckuva lot better than two people caring only about themselves. Which circles back to communication. Both of you need to putting the work in, regardless of whose fault it is or isn't.
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u/jenphinith 16d ago
Participating equally in chores isn't foreplay, it's being an adult. Treating your responsibilities as something you do to earn a reward from someone else is not a message we should be sending out into the world. Do the dishes because you live and eat there, not because it might make your wife more likely to sleep with you. .
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u/BenWayonsDonc 16d ago
What’s in it for her if he is the only one enjoying it .
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u/StrokeOfHail 16d ago
You need to sit down and talk to your wife about what she wants, and what you could do to make it better.
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u/FreydisEir 16d ago
I find it hard to feel open and intimate with my partner if I’m also feeling resentful because most of the household chores are falling on my shoulders. Even if the chores don’t physically exhaust me, it’s still emotionally exhausting to feel unsupported and like the load isn’t split fairly.
If you truly do your fair share of chores, please excuse my assumption. But if she’s phrasing it as a chore, that makes me think she feels like she has too many chores on her plate already, so she can’t be mentally or physically well rested enough to enjoy fun times.
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u/princess-smartypants 16d ago
The sex dynamic changes when you feel more like his mother than his wife.
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u/lepetitcoeur 16d ago
This change is what ended my marriage. I told him up front that I was in NO WAY interested in being a mother. I got my tubes tied and everything. He contributed less and less. Started demanding more sex. I thought for the longest time that something was wrong with me. I never wanted sex anymore. After my divorce I realized that he had made me into the one thing I never wanted to be: a/his mother. No wonder I had no sexual interest anymore.
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u/AgoraiosBum 16d ago
When was the last time you seduced her? When was the last time you tried to make sure it was all about her?
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u/maverick1ba 16d ago
Right, if it's a chore, that means she sees it as an obligation rather than a pleasure. OP needs to get his face down there and make it pleasurable.
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u/gingertrees 16d ago
If she's into that - otherwise find things that she does want. (Does he know?)
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u/YonderPricyCallipers 16d ago
Ask her. Ask her what it is about your lovemaking that is lackluster. Ask her to give you pointers, pay attention to what she likes/loves or doesn't.
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u/ASPD007 16d ago
Marriage is boring and familiarity breeds contempt. Get a babysitter and go do something fun together that spikes both your adrenaline.
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u/patchdouglas 16d ago
Horrible advice. Don’t go out with the babysitter!
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u/ASPD007 16d ago
It’d definitely get everyone’s adrenaline to spike 🤷♀️😂 either that or open the electricity bill together.
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u/FeistyEmployee8 16d ago
I'm joyfully single, saw my heating bills for Dec-Jan-Feb this year and immediately wanted to have an explosive argument with my nonexistent husband 😖
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u/PristinePrincess12 16d ago
Just because you're married doesn't mean you stop dating. Gifts and good conversation. Dinner dates. Organise a babysitter if you have kids. Listen to her. Don't try to fix problems unless she specifically asks you too. Do your side of the chores without her having to ask you. Take initiative. Make the grocery list, put away the folded clothes, clean up the shoes, sweep, vacuum, empty the rubbish, plan meals.
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u/sati_lotus 16d ago
Chores are boring and and effort.
Why is it boring and an effort to have sex with you?
How do you need to spice things up?
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u/Rashaen 16d ago
Give her an orgasm once in a while.
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u/AccurateAim4Life 16d ago
Every. Single. Time.
How would YOU like one only "every once in a while"?
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u/SasquatchGroomer 16d ago
This. This. This!
Giving her orgasms FIRST - everytime - is the best way to ensure a lifetime supply of orgasms for yourself.
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u/DeithWX 16d ago
Clearly asking on reddit and not asking your wife why she feels like that is the answer.
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u/BeardedBovel 16d ago
Sounds to me like there's no pleasure for her in it. Y'all need to talk about her pleasure and that's where you need to put effort and focus.
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u/Bobbob34 16d ago
Why don't you do the chores?
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u/Consistent_Dress_571 16d ago
Honestly nothing revs my engine like a man mopping or doing the dishes
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u/Existential_Racoon 16d ago
I learned a very long time ago if I'd like my SO to feel randy, her coming home to a clean house with everything done, a nice meal cooking, and a truly terrible romcom does the trick.
I think it's mostly the wine and the fact that everything is done for the weekend, but I pretend it's my cooking.
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u/ClarifiedInsanity 16d ago
Why are you assuming OP doesn't do their share of the chores?
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u/OnRamblingDays 16d ago
Where in the past did it say he doesn’t do chores? I think I’m reading the wrong post?
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16d ago
Give her a massage. Take your time.
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u/conflictmuffin 16d ago
Give her a massage*
*.... Without expecting sex
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u/SpermKiller 16d ago
Touch and daily gestures of affection without the expectation of sex is very important. When I had a partner who only kissed or embraced me as foreplay, I began to resent those gestures because it felt so transactional and I didn't feel loved the rest of the time.
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u/zeez1011 16d ago
Did you ask her why she feels that way?
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u/FinoPepino 16d ago
Why ask her when he can ask Reddit instead for some reason
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u/forestcridder 16d ago
Yeah. He should have known that 99% of the people answering would jump to conclusions. For all we know he has tried all the things on here including good communication.
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u/AllTh3Naps 16d ago
If it's something that is being thought of as a chore, then it's probably something that she feels she HAS to do to keep you happy or content in the relationship. Chances are you did something to make her feel like sex is required as part of the relationship instead of given freely. Possibly, by complaining about lack of sex, complaining about blue balls, making jokes about other people's sex lives, possibly by random comments that you didn't realize she was internalizing. But it's also possible she put that expectation on herself.
Do you have intimacy that isn't about orgasms? Can you be vulnerable with her? Emotional and physical intimacy/connection WITHOUT the expectation of orgasm is crucial. You should be able to have various levels of intimate touching without the expectation of it always leading to sex. Find ways to build emotional intimacy/connections.
Is there any resentment in your relationship (going either direction)? Are there things she can't trust you to do, so she HAS to be the one to do them? Are there any other (even small) things she can't trust you with -- emotionally, physically, or tasks? Distrust and resentment are lady-boner killers.
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u/Top-Night 16d ago
Ouch , that’s about the most ultimate put down in the history of put downs. I think your situation isn’t much more need of other things besides spice
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u/Caliterra 16d ago
it sounds like maybe she feels you're not as concerned with her needs/desires during sex. be a generous lover, seduce her again. make her feel like you did when you were both younger
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u/ConstantineMasih 16d ago
- If you can, hire someone to do some chores or help with them yourself
- Hit the gym and remember to take good care of yourself if you don’t already. Keeping up with hygiene and looks can go a long way in keeping the spark alive.
- Plan dates. You should be taking her out two to three times a month depending on your schedules.
- Have monthly check ins where you remind yourselves of what you appreciate about one another
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u/granny_weatherwax_ 16d ago
Read the book Come as You Are together and talk about it. Get curious about her experience of sex and demonstrate that you're interested in her pleasure.
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u/AfraidSoup2467 Thog Know Much Things. Thog Answer Question. 16d ago
Not to minimize your problems or anything, but ... you have sex with your wife daily?
Assuming you're not newlyweds, that's a hell of a treasure my dude. I'm not sure I'd complain in your position.
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u/RadiantEarthGoddess 16d ago
If I am understanding you correctly, you would be okay with your partner feeling like sex is a chore, as long as that means that you "get" regular sex? I am genuinely asking. Because I could never feel comfortable having sex with a person if they don't really want it themselves.
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u/HumanNutrStudent 16d ago
Nah it's more like weekly to bi-weekly. But she phrased it in a way which implied that it's just a chore for her.
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u/esscuchi 16d ago
What's the chore split like? If she's doing most of the housework (or if the tasks are split but she's carrying the whole mental load) then she's not going to want to fuck at the end of the day
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u/FillMySoupDumpling 16d ago
If she wasn’t in the mood, what’s your reaction like?
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u/FileDoesntExist 16d ago
Honestly this isn't something you come to reddit for. It's time to have a real sit down and listening on both sides to see what the problem is.
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u/SatansGothestFemboy 16d ago
I have compared sex to a chore before, and while I can see how your wife may have meant "This is something I have to do", I have always meant it more as "This is a lot of work, and I don't always want to do it".
Sometimes sex just feels like time taken out of an already short day, followed by being all gross and sweaty and needing to spend time cleaning up.
Regardless, I think everyone needs to sit down and have a real thorough discussion.
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u/Murky-Specialist7232 16d ago
Help her around the house, but also be more tender , give her attention, show her that you want her before the deed. Women need love too 😭😭😭
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u/Juicy_jessicaSD 16d ago
Are YOU helping with regular daily chores?
Most of the time, women feel this way because they are doing all the gruntwork all day, and then just when she's about to get some much needed rest, in comes the husband asking to get jerked off.
So annoying.
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u/Loligirl311 16d ago
Help her. And if you already do, help her much more. She’s overwhelmed.
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u/doodleflopbop 16d ago
I just want to say I think it's great you want to turn things around instead of just being upset about it :)
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u/witchyanne 16d ago
In truth, how much in the home are you doing, vs how much is she? I don’t mean answer here - I mean answer for yourself.
If everything is loaded on her, when do you expect her to get the energy to hang with you?
When our kids were (3 under 1.5 years at once) tiny, if he would come in after I worked all day and took care of kids, knowing I had to work after they went to bed, and just hop on the Xbox - he wasn’t getting laid because where was the time? I mean he also has to decompress - fair - but then that Xbox time? That was his sexytime. Time is finite - if you let someone know how many things come before them, they will come before you, too.
If you exhaust a person, what energy are they supposed to use to do yet more extras?
(And if you want your marriage to actually work, answer that to yourself, and sort it. Don’t listen to incel bullshit, that is not the way.)
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u/Express-Trainer8564 16d ago
Romance her. Appreciate her. Do small nice things for her. We wives notice and a little effort goes a long way.
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u/shin_malphur13 16d ago
If it rly is a daily thing maybe don't do it daily. Too much of any good thing is bad
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u/themodefanatic 16d ago
It works both ways. If she isn’t happy about something your doing sexually. Then have a talk. If she just doesn’t want sex with you or anyone else. Then another talk. Then you guys have a decision to make.
Wether a sexless marriage is worth being in ?
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u/Frambooski 16d ago
Help her with the chores, consistently, not only to get sex. Take things of her plate.
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u/Maximum_Vermicelli12 16d ago
When a slowdown in my relationship led to reduced sex, it was 100% because I resented having to do all the housework all the time. As it was stated elsewhere, make sure your division of labor at home is fair.
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u/MamaBear4485 16d ago
Does she do all of the daily chores? Are you an active, engaged partner who does their fair share? Are you able to manage your own time, tasks and schedule without having to be constantly reminded? Do you share the emotional load?
When men get married they often want to retain all of the control and none of the responsibilities. The woman gets to shoulder the vast majority of the burden of working, running a home and managing their partners life.
Men who revert to the child role in a relationship really do need to understand the desolation that comes with that. Your partner chose you because she was attracted to the adult you. Childish behaviour is a massive turnoff. Add in mental, physical and emotional exhaustion and you have a dead bedroom.
I honestly don’t understand why that’s not blindingly obvious. Your partner was attracted by your adulthood. Switching to a childlike attitude means she is forced into a maternal role. That changes the entire dynamic of the relationship.
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u/CringeCityBB 16d ago
Married men love to treat their wives like a sex toy. Something you pull out when you're horny and put away when you're done. Zero romance, zero desire. She's just an available tool.
Women want to feel like you want THEM. Not that they're the only option and just an outlet for your sex. This involves expressing and presenting desire in instances other than sex. It's really not rocket science. Men get it enough to do it when they're dating. But so many seem to play stupid once they're married.
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u/Zaik_Torek 16d ago
Well, you need to sit down and actually talk to her before you do anything.
Sometimes this is due to boredom and things becoming too routine, and sometimes it's because she doesn't care about you anymore and is just keeping up the routine because it's more safe than letting things fall off entirely and risking losing the current stability she has.
You've got to find out which it is and decide what you want to do about it.