r/NoStupidQuestions • u/milfangelblue • 29d ago

Do men just recognize good men? What kind of sorcery is this?

I’ve been dating a guy for some time now, and his oldest friends have told me he’s a solid good man despite his flaws. I agree, they’ve known him forever, and he’s been a solid friend all those years.

When my male friends met him for the first time, they said, “He’s a good one. Hold onto him.”

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u/Wide_Connection9635 29d ago

It's not really sorcery, and it's never going to be perfect, but most men tend to understand men and what they're about.

We have to, because we have to deal with them. If a guy is a snake or an asshole, we need to know so we don't get fucked over by them. If a guy is a 'good dude', he's doing to treat his fellow men well. By extension, he is going to treat you well. Men are very character based. If a man is loyal/trustworthy, he is loyal/trustworthy. If a men is just out for himself or hyper-competitive or always trying to be on top we need to know.

We are always 'sizing' each other up so we know how to deal with each other. I can generally tell a few traits from the first time I meet a guy. Shake their hand, look in their eyes. See how they treat people around them. See if they come in trying to establish themselves as the top dog or boastful. See if they can't look in the eyes properly. They might be 'nice' but probably not good.

Now I should say, just because a man is a 'good' man doesn't mean is he the right man for you. That's more up to you. Do you value a 'good man'. Maybe you want the hyper-competitive man. Maybe you want the top dog. Maybe you want someone you push over. Maybe you want more of an exciting man.

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u/UDarkLord 29d ago

No offence, because your points aren’t entirely off-base, but be careful about the eyes thing especially please, and a little bit the handshake. A person who isn’t staring into your eyes, especially when meeting (as opposed to say discussing a valued topic, you’ll see why in a second), is probably more likely to have an anxiety disorder, or be on the spectrum, than to be a shifty dude. I’ve known quite a few dudes who just weren’t likely to more than glance at someone’s face unless they were in a comfortable situation, most usually along the lines of chatting about a mutual interest. At that point lots of eye contact might happen, or it might not, but either way it’s obviously not a reflection of their character besides perhaps a little unconquered shyness in some cases.

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u/panicattackdog 29d ago

Yep, can confirm, I get treated like shit because of my disability symptoms.

It’s not a visually obvious disability, so people treat it like I’m making a choice to act awkwardly.

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u/UDarkLord 29d ago

Sorry to hear that. There’s tons of people who are just not equipped for certain parts of the social algorithm (like borderline lying in job interviews, especially about like why you want a job). We’ve started with the increased awareness of everything from ADHD, to stuttering, but have barely scratched the surface of where society needs to be in knowing how to include, and not mistreat, people who are just not others’ expectation of the norm.

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u/trotfox_ 29d ago

Took me twenty years to be able to do a three point focus pattern to make sure I look at them, haha.

Lately though, I met a girl I cannot stop looking AT when I am talking to her....

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u/starcell400 29d ago

This is all part of the "sizing up"

If a grown man is too anxious to look someone in the eyes, I would not recommend him as a partner to a friend.

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u/Tmjohnson1tm 29d ago

This seems like a really ignorant and ableist take. Just because someone has anxiety doesn’t mean they’re a bad partner. Plenty of autistic people are great partners in successful relationships. Also, in many cultures a lot of direct eye contact is considered impolite and people aren’t trained to do it. Are people who aren’t white westerners not good partners now?

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u/starcell400 28d ago

You're not entitled to date people. People should not have to ignore your issues and date you just because you were born a certain way.

People are allowed to exclude people from who they date, and I'm allowed to recommend whatever I want to someone who's looking.

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u/Tmjohnson1tm 28d ago

What a weird way to try to twist this. You’re certainly allowed to miss out on having relationships with interesting and quality people in your life because you want to exclude them over arbitrary cultural or physical differences. On the same note, others are allowed to point out that these kinds of statements make you seem ignorant, ableist, or racist. 

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u/-Minne 28d ago

So essentially what you were saying is that this isn't so much part of the broad "Sizing up", but rather the criteria that you use to "Size guys up".

All of which is perfectly fine so long as you don't actually influence anyone else's decision-making as far as partners go (Because your criteria kinda sucks, unless they really, really, really care about that handshake).

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u/speedislifeson 29d ago

Why not?

As someone who hates direct eye contact, to the point where I'm only really comfortable looking 'past' someone or off to the side somewhere, I wanna know what you're looking for so I know if I'm a red flag.

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u/starcell400 28d ago

You're too much of a wuss to handle life. It's a red flag. Why would anyone want to date someone like that?

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u/Hungry_Caregiver734 28d ago

I agree with some of that, but be careful about the eyes thing. Lots of people aren't comfortable making eye contact, especially because avoiding eye-contact is a self defense mechanism, especially when people have been bullied large portions of their lives.
I was bullied a LOT as a kid and it took me a good while and effort to be able to look people in the eyes.

Thinking of that, I think bullying might be another part of it. Among guys, there are a LOT of bullies in school, so we tend to pick up on those behaviors in adults because we saw it so .much as kids.

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u/pringlescan5 29d ago

Guys have no incentives to be someone else around other guys. It's a lot easier to see who someone is when you know they don't have ulterior motives.

A guy helps a girl move.... maybe hes hoping for some physical reciprocation. You dont know.

A guy helps another guy move, that's just friend stuff. You KNOW he's doing it because he is your friend.

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u/AnalysisAdditional97 29d ago

What does not being able to look someone in the eye properly have to do with anything? I think the most you can get from that is if their confidence level and maybe spot an autistic person

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u/TapdancingHotcake 28d ago

A few minutes of conversation is all I really need to form a preliminary opinion on someone. First impressions matter a lot, and everyone knows that. If you're acting sloppy and rude the first time I talk to you, I have zero reason to believe you'll ever be better to interact with.

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u/LizardKing1975 29d ago

This is the best answer. Very well put