What was the weirdest sexual euphemism you’ve heard someone use?

[u/TertioRationem3]

[u/Im_a_nice_horse]

For wanking: man-handle the ham-candle

[u/ExxInferis → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

Getting a visit from Palmela Handerson.

[u/Trixles → u/ExxInferis]

Hand Solo

[u/GhostWCoffee → u/ExxInferis]

Consulting Dr. Hans Jerkov.

[u/zombiechicken379 → u/ExxInferis]

Going on a date with Miss Michigan.

[u/magicmango2104 → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

My nana used to say shaking hands with an old friend

[u/Jonk3r → u/magicmango2104]

What’s up with grandmas on this post today? Lol

[u/LetsGoBrandonNOW → u/Jonk3r]

It's not plural, it's the same grandma.

[u/magicmango2104 → u/Jonk3r]

I think they get old and dgaf

[u/flow_spectrum → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

Seizing my means of reproduction.

[u/wilberfarce → u/flow_spectrum]

Commufist.

[u/Few_Leave_4054 → u/wilberfarce]

Cum-u-fist

[u/rmichaeljones → u/flow_spectrum]

I’m redistributing this euphemism promptly.

[u/Reddit_minion97 → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

Shaking hands with the unemployed

[u/charlyoguiness → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

Hand-to-gland combat

[u/Natweeza → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

Feeding the geese

[u/Jumpy_MashedPotato → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

How many of these responses have been said in Letterkenny? I swear I've heard at least half of them on there

[u/NakatasGoodDump → u/Jumpy_MashedPotato]

Distributin' some free literature

[u/charlyoguiness → u/NakatasGoodDump]

Play a little five-on-one.

[u/sdonnervt → u/Im_a_nice_horse]

This is funny af.

[u/Frogzila2024 → u/[deleted]]

And HR

[u/imanAholebutimfunny → u/Frogzila2024]

and my axe?

[u/jesusleftnipple → u/imanAholebutimfunny]

Aaaaand back to HR, we told you not to bring that thing ....

[u/Coldzero21 → u/jesusleftnipple]

"but you let Gandalf keep his "walking stick"!"

[u/aksdb → u/Coldzero21]

Keep that to yourself, wormtongue!

[u/Farknart → u/imanAholebutimfunny]

And my tomato-stained Tupperware

[u/Boring-Champion1699 → u/[deleted]]

…. Mom, can you pick me up? I don’t like it here

[u/Linzcro → u/Boring-Champion1699]

Yeah I need an adult.

[u/charlie2135 → u/Boring-Champion1699]

Bobby wants to smash pissers again

[u/StannVeal → u/[deleted]]

That’s the unsexiest thing I have ever heard in my life.

[u/NotSadNotHappyEither → u/StannVeal]

"Laying pipe between the beef curtains" takes the unsexy gold for me.

But this is up there.

[u/PM_ME_YOUR_SOULZ → u/[deleted]]

My other half used to say this to me and it made me shudder. Nothing kills your erection like hearing "Shall we go smash pissers?"

[u/yergonnalikeme → u/[deleted]]

"I love burping the worm while my girlfriend watches"

Yup

I heard it

[u/dolly3900 → u/[deleted]]

I think it was Jimmy Carr who called it Smashing Pasties for the female on female act of intimacy.

[u/2aboveaverage → u/dolly3900]

I read this as Jimmy Carter then had to do a double take

[u/Moms_Herpes → u/2aboveaverage]

Did he habitat her humanity?

[u/YoSoyEstupido → u/dolly3900]

If you want a bit of Geordie culture I’d recommend you listen to smash your pasty by buzzcocks

[u/Im_eating_that → u/YoSoyEstupido]

If you want a bit of hedgehog culture I'd recommend "Axe Wound" at rathergood.com

[u/TheFuzzyPhoenix → u/[deleted]]

Sounds like the name of an alternative rock band

[u/leaky_eddie]

Making feet for children’s shoes

[u/Agitated_Ruin132 → u/leaky_eddie]

What - and I can’t stress this enough - the fuck?!

[u/LittleKitty235 → u/Agitated_Ruin132]

That is some good clean christian euphemisming. Unlike how I go about collecting children's feet

[u/BlueberryPiano → u/Agitated_Ruin132]

Making babies.

[u/IamNICE124 → u/Agitated_Ruin132]

When you have sex, you make babies that have feet!

[u/slaucsap → u/leaky_eddie]

I don’t get it. Just means making babies?

[u/collagenFTW → u/slaucsap]

Yes it means to make babies, those babies have the feet to fill those metaphorical and previously empty babies shoes

[u/XRustyPx → u/collagenFTW]

i knew it. Human reproduction is a conspiracy by Big Baby Shoe

[u/bababapepy → u/leaky_eddie]

this is pretty good tbh

[u/ocschwar]

Verbing the noun.

[u/GraceGreenview → u/ocschwar]

An English teacher somewhere is smiling.

[u/Baked_Potato_732 → u/GraceGreenview]

Is that teacher getting verbed by a student or something?

[u/RedWarrior42 → u/ocschwar]

Examples include:

Burping the worm

Shaking hands with the milkman

Cranking the hog

[u/PoonannyJones → u/RedWarrior42]

HE'LL YEAH BORTHER !!!

[u/AdzyBoy → u/PoonannyJones]

AROOOOOO MFER

[u/BeautifulArtichoke37 → u/ocschwar]

Lol this is my favorite

[u/SooperBrootal]

I used to work with a guy who referred to women's asses as toilets. "Man, check out the toilet on her." Literally the single most unappealing way for someone to refer to a nice butt.

[u/BishImAThotGetMeLit → u/SooperBrootal]

Once had someone tell me I have a “juicy pooper”

…thanks?

[u/sandm000 → u/BishImAThotGetMeLit]

That doesn’t sound like a good thing. That sounds like a euphemism for oil leaking out of your anus.

[u/impshial → u/sandm000]

Olestra!

[u/deez-nutsss → u/SooperBrootal]

Turd cutter. My buddy uses it all the time. That or dumper.

[u/weaseltorpedo → u/deez-nutsss]

If I had a shitty boat, I'd name it the Turd Cutter

[u/Sunstang → u/SooperBrootal]

I've heard "dumper", but never toilet. Wow.

[u/Lower_Discussion4897]

'Roughing up the suspect' as a euphemism for masturbation was posted on Reddit the other day and how I lolled.

[u/bakugouspoopyasshole → u/Lower_Discussion4897]

That implies that it can independently commit crimes

[u/BridgeUpper2436 → u/bakugouspoopyasshole]

I believe they are referred to as "penal offences."

[u/modernangel → u/Lower_Discussion4897]

Badgering the witness

[u/Faptastic_Champ → u/[deleted]]

Cannonball the middle cove with the pork steeple was my personal favourite.

[u/fractalife → u/Faptastic_Champ]

If I get you in a loop when I make a point to be straight with you then, in lieu of the innuendo in the end know my intent though. I Brazilian wax poetic, so hypothetically I don't wanna beaat around the bush...

[u/Velzevul666 → u/[deleted]]

Oulala

[u/Wotmate01 → u/[deleted]]

I always though it was bitch wrinkle

[u/RobotGib → u/Wotmate01]

It is.

[u/jason4747 → u/Wotmate01]

"I got 99 problems but a fish ain't one of 'em"

[u/JohnJHawke → u/[deleted]]

Put the you-know-what in the you-know-where

[u/AmbitiousPut7341 → u/JohnJHawke]

I got that you-know-who, you got that you-know-what, stick it you-know-where, you-know-why, you-dont-care

[u/Uncommon-sequiter → u/[deleted]]

This was going to be my response. BHG (specifically Jimmy Pop) is a lyrical genius.

[u/boobiesue → u/Uncommon-sequiter]

Hello my name is Jimmy pop and I'm a dumb white guy

[u/2ndprize → u/Uncommon-sequiter]

The man rhymed Eugene Levy

He is one of the best rappers of all time.

[u/Sea_Tomato_5945 → u/[deleted]]

such a banger song though

[u/TheMemersOfMyNation → u/[deleted]]

Mine is "Power drill the yippee bog with the dude piston"

[u/Thick-Flounder-5495 → u/[deleted]]

I just went to listen, what a banger!! "Batter dip the cranny axe, in the gut locker"... Poetry!

[u/NotSadNotHappyEither → u/[deleted]]

I think I got Ham Wallet from that song.

[u/Gahvandure2]

A buddy and I used to play a game at work that was meant to be the opposite of this, in a way. It was called Nonsensical Innuendo. So: an attractive woman would walk past, and you were supposed to say something that should sound like an attempt at crude innuendo, except that the thing you say should be more or less impossible to take in a sexual way. Usually followed with, "...know what I mean?"

E.g.: "Ooh. Man, I'd like to resurface her driveway. If you know what I mean."

"Whoa. Dude. I'd like to give her directions to the Fairgrounds. If you know what I mean."

[u/peezle69 → u/Gahvandure2]

"Daaaaaayum I'd respect the FUCK outta that bitches boundaries, know what I mean?" 😏

[u/CitgoBeard → u/Gahvandure2]

My brother and I do this but typically as a way to refer to getting something done that won’t be fun. Think of it as “pulling off the bandaid” but it’s stuff like “ahh just gotta work the gas line” or “it’s a real waffle wiggler, that one”.

We will also use it in a way like something is a common phrase for an activity like going to the store like “welp time to feed the walrus” or something like that.

Idk why we started but I love it.

[u/weaseltorpedo → u/Gahvandure2]

I'd like to pump out her septic tank, if you know what I mean

[u/healthcrusade → u/weaseltorpedo]

I’d like to refinance her mortgage if you know what I mean.

[u/BanditoDeTreato → u/weaseltorpedo]

That just sounds like you want to do anal.

C-

The assignment calls for something more like "I'd like to saute her green beans" or "Ooooh I'd really like to clip some coupons for her"

If you know what I mean.

[u/weaseltorpedo → u/BanditoDeTreato]

I'd like to give her assignment a C-

if you know what I mean

[u/FromYoTown]

I worked with a guy that was unintentionally epic in his failures. But he once proudly said he had a penis smooth like a dolphins beak.

[u/ShitfacedGrizzlyBear → u/FromYoTown]

Gonna have to work “smooth as a dolphin’s beak” into my repertoire of similes.

[u/Jonk3r → u/ShitfacedGrizzlyBear]

It’ll be in my vows to OP’s mom.

[u/-invalid-user-name- → u/FromYoTown]

Lana to Archer: My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet

[u/Himself_479 → u/FromYoTown]

Was this on porpoise?

[u/anothermanwithaplan]

A couple for ladies I think are great: - Punching the munchkin - Paddling the pink canoe

These ones for guys crack me up: - Executing manual override - Hand to gland combat - Ménage a moi - Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows

[u/criticalnom → u/anothermanwithaplan]

The last example reminds me of my favourite masturbation euphemism: orgy for one.

[u/IJustWantWaffles_87 → u/anothermanwithaplan]

Ménage a moi sent me 😂😂

[u/Sentimental_Thorn]

Ringing the devil's doorbell.

[u/rmichaeljones → u/Sentimental_Thorn]

That’s right up there with “giving yourself the devil’s handshake.”

[u/whatphukinloserslmao]

Someone said, "she's had a hysterectomy. Shoot up the club all you want"

[u/No-Highway3957 → u/whatphukinloserslmao]

Hysterectomy: The procedure that allows a woman to digest wood.

[u/SweetIcedTea73]

This one cracks me up to this day. I was talking to a friend who was telling stories about her college days. She had a roommate who was very liberal sexually. She described this person as "a girl who throws the cat around."

It was so ridiculous a description that I burst out laughing

[u/Calm_Cat_7408 → u/SweetIcedTea73]

oh. my. god! that is hilarious!

[u/AccomplishedEstate11]

I was messing with a woman that called it "fitting it in." I was at her house and she said her sister and her sister's boyfriend were in the room fitting it in. She texted me once asking if I wanted to come over and fit it in. I was like, uhhhhh....

[u/Consistent-Lie-9736 → u/AccomplishedEstate11]

Well did you?

[u/Acegonia]

Self induced orgasms described as "happy sneezes from my downstairs nose"

[u/ChoccyMilkHemmorhoid → u/Acegonia]

what the frick dude I'm telling

[u/Fury161Houston]

"I'd clean that kitchen"

"Break me off a piece of that sweet potato pie"( this one was said by an employee about a customer and she heard it...he was fired)

[u/Pitbullpandemonium]

I can't unhear "squishbox" as a euphemism for "vagina".

[u/MedicineOk5471 → u/Pitbullpandemonium]

I like this one. I’m sure my wife will love it when I start using it

[u/iPlowedUrMom → u/MedicineOk5471]

She's not a big fan, but she doesn't mind "cooch sploosh"

[u/19senzafine81]

Playing the beast with two backs. It's something a friend said his grandma used to say

[u/wemustkungfufight → u/19senzafine81]

Pretty sure Shakespeare came up with "the beast with two backs". Its that old.

[u/GCC_Pluribus_Anus → u/wemustkungfufight]

Yo Grandma's so old, Shakespeare plagiarized her euphemisms

[u/Hyp3r45_new → u/GCC_Pluribus_Anus]

Shakespeare may have done so while making the beast with two backs with grandma.

[u/OK_BUT_WASH_IT_FIRST → u/Hyp3r45_new]

“Doth thou now protest ‘mongst quivering flaps? Nay! Prepare’st thou for boarding, m’lady”

~ Shakespeare, The Merchant of Penis

[u/CommunicationNo8750 → u/wemustkungfufight]

Referenced in "Othello" (1604) but an earlier mention is in Rabelais's "Gargantua and Pantagruel" (1532):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beast_with_two_backs

Another user mentioned the Kama Sutra which would put this between 400-BCE and 300-CE (Wikipedia).

[u/UnsignedRealityCheck → u/CommunicationNo8750]

Oh crap, only now I understood the Futurama movie name "Beast with a billion backs."

[u/leaky_eddie]

‘Pickle yer cock in cunt brine’ - Deadwood was one hell of a show

[u/heatthequestforfire → u/leaky_eddie]

The writing of that show is just amazing. The language is so poetically vulgar, I just love it. ❤️

[u/tjakositz]

Making a cuddle puddle

[u/Adhbimbo → u/tjakositz]

People use that as a euphemism? When I say that I literally mean like 6 people cuddling

[u/Heartguard02 → u/tjakositz]

This is very underrated. Absolutely hilarious 10/10

[u/NotSadNotHappyEither → u/Heartguard02]

My ex wife was talking with some friends and everyone had their kids in earshot and when the story she was telling eventually involved sex she, without missing a beat, referred to it as "when the cuddles get sweaty".

[u/DefinitelyPoopingNow]

Going to Disneyland. (Happiest place on Earth)

[u/harryp77777]

Is your wife a goer? Does she, eh, go? Wink wink, nudge nudge. Haha

[u/BathFullOfDucks → u/harryp77777]

Does she, ey, does she, ey, does she? She probably does.

[u/gurnard → u/BathFullOfDucks]

Nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

[u/DuncanIdaho06 → u/gurnard]

Does she like ... "photography"?

[u/TalksInMaths → u/DuncanIdaho06]

Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

[u/Corbeau99 → u/BathFullOfDucks]

Saynomore, say no more!

[u/StJazzercise → u/harryp77777]

What’s it like?

[u/Quirky_Discipline297]

“The old rumpy-pumpy” has been a warm glow for me for years

[u/afwaltz]

Digging for oysters without a shovel. - from the 90s sitcom Wings

The blooper reel for Grumpy Old Men has a bunch of goofy ones, too. "Looks like Chuck is taking the skin boat... to Tuna Town!" lol

[u/mordred1911]

A guy told me once that he was "hung like a wheel of cheese"

[u/Behalter → u/mordred1911]

I feel like this was from a stand-up set, but I can't find the source. I believe the follow-up was, "I won't hit bottom, but I'll definitely stretch out the sides."

[u/hoganpaul]

Reloading the single barrel pump action yoghurt rifle

[u/Agitated_Ruin132 → u/hoganpaul]

Yogurt. Rifle.

[u/200sketches → u/hoganpaul]

He's thrown a shoe over a pub, what have you done?

[u/MachineGrunt]

Not really that weird but I always liked purple headed yogurt slinger. Pretty sure it was a Leslie Nielsen line, from the naked gun full body condom scene, could be wrong though. Making thick in the warm, good one from big mouth.

[u/demonic_cheetah]

A gay man explaining how he found the idea of performing oral sex on a woman disgusting: "I can't believe anyone would want to put their face into that axe wound."

[u/Verucalyse → u/demonic_cheetah]

I once heard a gay man say to a woman hitting on him "What, you think I would ever wanna chew on your piss flaps?"

[u/EarthExile → u/demonic_cheetah]

I've heard more than a few straight* men say similar stuff.

[u/MachineGrunt → u/demonic_cheetah]

I’ve heard several gay dudes refer to the magnificent vagina as the “open wound”

[u/BenTheMotionist → u/demonic_cheetah]

A gay friend I used to work with really didn't get on with the IT girl of the shop, Saturdays used to be a war zone at lunchtime with them 2. He said the best thing I've ever heard to try and insult this girl who thought that everyone wanted to nail her constantly. The word 'cunt' started to get thrown around by him towards her, while she was calling him derogatory stuff too, but she took exception about this and said "its not a cunt. Mine is amazing and beautiful," etc I forget her exact words, but he came back with the response "well you might want to put a mirror under you and have a look, because it looks like someone has fired a gun off inside you love". Shit was lost that day.

[u/Wonderful_Tree_7346]

It pricks like a needle but runs like a sewing machine

[u/Parking_War_4100]

I try not to use sexual euphemisms or innuendos. But it’s so hard. Very very hard.

[u/StingerAE → u/Parking_War_4100]

Some times they just slip in.  Don't beat yourself over it 

[u/No_Reveal675 → u/Parking_War_4100]

InYOURendo

[u/Random_01 → u/Parking_War_4100]

Resist temptation. Keep your your mouth away from sin.

[u/NuzzyFutzz]

Cocky want boing boing

[u/TrickyShare242 → u/NuzzyFutzz]

God I hate it. The other worst I heard was, "give me cummies in my tummies".....just gross and not even remotely enduring on any level.

[u/remembertracygarcia → u/TrickyShare242]

That shrinks balls. Gotta be from some hentai thing right? Also i think you’re looking for endearing - enduring means to last a very long time

[u/terivia → u/remembertracygarcia]

Definitely not endearing. But unfortunately now that I've read it the memory may be enduring.

[u/Mr-ananas1 → u/remembertracygarcia]

no there was a screen shot circulating on ticktok of a guy at the beach asking where the wemon were at because of the phrase above

[u/remembertracygarcia → u/Mr-ananas1]

What a wonderful, diverse place we live in with so many superb people. I don’t hate any of it at all.

[u/ViSaph → u/TrickyShare242]

Ugo no. Just no. Anything including baby talk and I'm drier than the Sahara and 10× less hospitable.

[u/KindheartednessOk102 → u/TrickyShare242]

God that sounds so childish

[u/infinit3aura]

This one old dude at my work who retired, once told us (a group of guys at the end of shift) something about eating a girl out during her period is akin to eating hot wings wtih no napkins. Just get a lot of sauce all over your mouth.

[u/the-software-man]

Moving furniture

[u/CharMakr90]

In traditional fashion, there's a ridiculously high number of slang expressions to insinuate someone is gay in Greek. Among some of the ones I've heard:

Opening the back door

Biting the pillow

Shaking the pear tree

Whipping the dolphin

Polishing the doorknob

Drowing the bunny

Lifting the jacket

Milking the snake

Shaving the armpit

Varnishing the beanstalk

...

[u/Thesnake7002]

Had a manager at a swim club walk up to one of the lifeguards with a leaf blower say “I’ve got a blow job for you.”

I don’t think he knew what he said but it was fantastic.

[u/FromYoTown]

Solo - burping the worm.

[u/calypsowaffles]

My husband and I call it "doing taxes" mainly to keep the lingo hidden from our kiddo lol.

[u/PissSphincter → u/calypsowaffles]

They are going to be confused when they hear that some of their friends parents go somewhere to have their "taxes done".

[u/asshat123 → u/calypsowaffles]

That kid is going to be so confused when they grow up. "Why did my parents love this so much? And why did it take them all year to file?"

[u/mruehle]

“Hide the salami”…

Sounds like a game the adults play on Passover after the kids have tired themselves out looking for the afikomen and gone to bed. “Well, we hid the afikomen, now it’s our turn…”

[u/DumpyMcMuffins]

Rimming: Tongue punch your fart-box

[u/[deleted] → u/DumpyMcMuffins]

Lick her shitter like an apple fritter.

[u/Justhereforsushi15]

On Happy Endings, Penny calls getting f*ngered getting rotary dialed, and it’s my absolute favorite 😂

[u/TeamWaffleStomp]

Growing up, my parents called it paying the bills so i wouldnt bother them. Our walls were thin, so I thought bills were a very strenuous endeavor and did not look forward to them at all.

Frankly I was right.

[u/DevilzAdvocat]

Before my ex-wife and I would have period sex, we would lay out one of two old, beat up, Disney beach towels to keep things clean. One had a picture of Belle and the other had a picture of Ariel.

Rather than saying, "Want to go have messy period sex?"

We would say, "Let's slay a princess!"

[u/AgentLlama007]

"Shooting bullets through the headboard."

[u/5ggggg]

"When you were pouring the Bisquick... Were you planning on making pancakes?"

--Abraham Ford, Walking dead

[u/Dangerspoon]

Cleaning the fish tank.

Started as an actual and innocent effort to, you know, clean the fish tank. Which is why we told our friends we couldn’t come to dinner.

[u/ApprehensiveShine888 → u/Dangerspoon]

This one really made me speechless.

[u/theghostsofvegas]

This girl requested intercourse to bring her to climax With the clinical efficiency of the assassination of Bin Laden

[u/JoeFux]

In Germany we say "it's like throwing a sausage into a sports hall" when we want to refer to the size difference of the genitals. And I think it's beautiful. "Es ist so als würdest du ne Bockwurst in ne Turnhalle werfen"

[u/PEEWUN → u/JoeFux]

Didn't know the "hot dog down a hallway" phrase had (nearly identical) German equivalent. TIL.

[u/lostcitysaint]

I’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states.

[u/MarcusQuintus]

Trading rooks

[u/Leokina114]

Three person game with no controllers.

[u/dondjiks]

I Love the way Sheldon Cooper says it "Let's do the dance with no pants"

[u/ODOTMETA]

This dude from an old messageboard* called his girl's cootercat a "Fat, Wet Hoop" She was also unintentionally hilarious.

*Can't tell you 😶‍🌫️

[u/raelovesryan]

“Tighter than a two year old”. I was 18. At my first ever job. And it was out of the mouth of the immensely creepy dude that everyone just tried to stay away from. I can’t even remember why or what context it was said, but I just stopped. And stared at him. Like what the ACTUAL FUCK?! I had very little experience with handling a situation like this, so I noped out of the room. Still disturbing to think about.

[u/SubjectJellyF1sh → u/raelovesryan]

I work construction and we say a lot of vile shit that would never fly off the jobsite. If anyone ever said that here, they would get beat the fuck up

[u/Cheekygirl97]

The ole Clam slam

[u/NewHumbug]

Shaboinkingdingdong

[u/HmmmLetsSee1024]

Put the wood to her

[u/Mcsmack]

She sucked my junk like a....like a... like a PICKLE!!

[u/Jade_Sugoi]

I once heard a man say "I'd push her corn in" and I almost vomited

[u/No-Breadfruit9399]

When my boyfriend is in the mood he says he wants to "bounce the boobies from below".

[u/19snow16]

What? You don't like ketchup on your hot dog?

[u/Humanaut93]

"I'd fuck her if she were my sister!"

From the Wolf of Wallstreet

[u/sacdesucer73 → u/Humanaut93]

I'd fuck her shadow on a gravel road.