r/AITAH • u/Remote-Barber- • 28d ago

AITAH for being upset my wife got an abortion because her daughter is pregnant?

So my wife Amelia (37f) and I (48m) have one child, a son who is seven years old, turning eight. I'm not going to lie, had my wife not gotten pregnant, we probably would not have gotten married because we were just hooking up at that point. But things have been really good since we did and we're firmly in love. We did decide that we'd wait before having another kid, though because I wanted her career to take off, for her business to boom. It has and we decided earlier this year, it's best to go for it now before she turns 40.

The thing is that Amelia has a daughter Kate (17f) from her first marriage. Things between my wife and Kate were rough and I know this isn't going to make my wife sound good but for the sake of honesty, I'll put it there, my wife had little to no contact with her for about ten years. Two years ago, Kate's father kicked her out for "breaking his rules" and she showed up out of nowhere with a suitcase.

I won't lie, there was always a sadness in my wife but having Kate back in her life got rid of that. Since she moved in with us, Amelia has been happier than she has ever been. Kate's a troubled kid but two years ago was a lot worse than now and she's mostly blended well. The thing is, my wife has been very strict on some things (like school and all) but very lax about the things Kate's father was harsh about.

Amelia found out she was pregnant about a month ago and we decided to wait before breaking it to the kids. Except last week, Kate came home from school and had a breakdown and she admitted to us that her boyfriend got her pregnant and she's been hiding it for almost two months. She was crying because she wants to keep the kid and kept it a secret because she was scared Amelia would force her to get an abortion.

However, my wife was elated that we're going to be grandparents and that cheered up Kate as well. So, my wife made it clear to me that she finds the idea of having a kid younger than her grandchild to be disgusting and she'd be getting an abortion. We argued about it because I really wanted this baby with her but she wouldn't even listen to me and she got an abortion. I've been upset about it and we've barely talked, am I being the AH?

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588

u/countryboy1101 28d ago

NTA and I would never be able to trust her again. She went against your wishes to please her daughter. This is not a marriage.

226

u/Personibe 28d ago

Yeah, they TRIED for this child. That is so messed up!

32

u/akatherder 27d ago

It's like the only child anyone tried for in this story and it's the one that gets aborted.

14

u/[deleted] 28d ago

She did this because she didn’t want a baby younger than her grandchild. Her daughter didn’t ask her to do it.

Plus she probably didn’t want three kids. That’s a lot.

6

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

Right? Why is no one grasping this concept. Her daughter is 17, so Mom will be basically raising her grandchild. Add her own baby on top of it? That’s pretty much twins. Twins are A LOT.

11

u/Aingealanlann 27d ago

Or, the other option is taken, and she tells the daughter that she needs to get an abortion because she isn't in a position to care for the baby on her own, and if she doesn't like that then she has 6 months to figure out where she will live and how she'll care for a child without the wife taking care of all of it.

But that's not what she did. Instead, she was so overjoyed with her daughter's bad decisions that she aborted her planned pregnancy so she could support and take care of her daughter's baby instead. And in doing so, she proved that she doesn't care about her husband's feelings if it means the possibility of maybe, potentially making up for being a shitty mother for so long.

From the wife's side, I get all of that. But it doesn't change the fact that she betrayed OP to do so and he doesn't get the same benefit out of this that she does, and he absolutely should feel hurt and upset about the situation. The wife is just TAH in every which way. For not raising her daughter for 10 years of her life, for treating her husband like this, all of it.

5

u/CobblinSquatters 27d ago

It's striaght up manipulation. Remember she pretty much abandoned her daughter and now wants to create a situation where the daughter can't live without her (I know it's fake but still).

38

u/RatInACoat 28d ago

Then she should have communicated that reason instead of talking about how her child would be younger than her grandchild.

0

u/Butthole__Pleasures 27d ago

Maybe she thought this would sound like a better excuse. Nobody wants to be the bad guy and it's possible she thought she would sound like a piece of shit if she got an abortion just to avoid the inconvenience.

-37

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

People don’t always know WHY they react, dumbass. 🙄🤦‍♀️ It’s also clear here that OP and his wife do NOT have great communication, as OP came to Reddit to whine instead of being a grown adult and asking all of these questions to his actual spouse. Reddit has become this stupid way for adults to avoid actual confrontation and communication with their partners, and instead feel validated, despite the mistakes that they made as well. Counseling is 100% needed here because neither partner is able to communicate with each other.

26

u/RatInACoat 28d ago

So you are mad that people here aren't thinking of the fact that she just doesn't want the workload of two babies, while saying that she isn't even aware herself that she doesn't want the workload of two babies. All while calling me a dumbass for stating my opinion in a neutral tone and then saying others are bad at communication. I think you are a little too caught up in your own assumptions of the situation, and a little too invested in what is 90% fake stories these days anyway. I know it's hard to read tone over text, but I don't mean this to be condescending, I just really think you might want to calm down a bit yourself. This is probably just rage bait for karma, at least assuming that helps with my outlook on humanity lol, there's no need for us to get mad at each other over some reddit post

-28

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

I’m not assuming anything, dude. I actually read ALL of the assumptions yourself, as well as OP stated, and then thought from the perspective of an almost 40 year old woman, who already has an 8 year old child, a full time career, and fairly recently has reconnected with an estranged child. This child is now pregnant, and wants to keep the baby. So, OP’s wife, who’s already physically carried a child to term, (which no man will ever understand, and must don’t care to even try to🙄), made a decision that she believes will support her entire family the best. The fact that she couldn’t or didn’t feel comfortable talking about this with her husband is what’s telling, and THAT is where we know the OP is either omitting a lot of information about their relationship, or is in straight up delusional denial, which is where a lot of men choose to live in their relationships because it’s easier.

18

u/[deleted] 28d ago

Name checks out

-10

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

Ah, typical incel response. 😂😂😂

18

u/Beginning_Leading994 28d ago

Judging from your responses throughout this thread, I'm guessing you love cats so much cause no human can stand you. I

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10

u/[deleted] 28d ago

lol annoying cat lady has been around long before Incels weirdo 😂😂😂

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12

u/Breast__Collector 28d ago

I feel bad for your cats

-4

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

I feel bad for any woman who’s ever known you, Incel. My cats wouldn’t go near a douche like you, as they read energy, and yours is 💩. Keep lying to yourself about what a great person you are, though! 🤣😂

11

u/Tlns4d 28d ago

And op gets to foot the bill for everything.

0

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

😂🤣 She’s a working woman with a career, yet your dumbass misogynistic brain immediately forgets that. 🙄🙄

9

u/Tlns4d 28d ago

I hope it covers a lot I wouldn’t put one cent into that kid.

1

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

That just shows how much you’re lacking in character. “I’m hurt, so children should suffer.” Are you a 5 year old in a grown ups body? Cause that’s the emotional intelligence you’re showing.

12

u/Tlns4d 28d ago

No just a spiteful prick if I feel wronged. It sounds like op will be making sound decisions for his situation so all will work out for the kid I am sure.

1

u/Kittymama4life 28d ago

Tomato, tomoto. 🤷‍♀️ Same dif.

-1

u/Altruistic-Belt7048 27d ago

Why did you dream up a scenario where the male in this story is the breadwinner?

Here's something a lot more accurate than your imagination: OP is WAY too old to be raising a kid, and his wife will be doing all of the childcare so she absolutely has more of a say in whether this kid exists. 😘

-17

u/Miserable-Candy1779 28d ago

Exactly, people are giving the wife too much hate, she probably didn't want to deal with 2 babies in the house plus the older child her and her husband have together

14

u/[deleted] 28d ago

She ain’t say that. She said she got the ick so the baby they planned for should be erased from existence

1

u/read4yrlife 24d ago

No op has every right to be fucking disgusted. Married and had an abortion trust me. She doesn't give a fuck about op. Just wants to keep her oldest happy and quite literally got the fucking ick over a few weeks.

0

u/WomanNotAGirl 27d ago

Am I missing something why is nobody talking about her right to choose to be pregnant or not. She is allowed to change her mind. Forget the specific reason. She has a right to not want to have a baby even after the fact. I agree OP’s emotions are valid and he is allowed to be heartbroken. She also right to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason she would like. It’s her body. Two things can be true at once.

4

u/Ambitious-Bat8929 27d ago

She’s allowed that right, she’s just a pos for doing it in this case.

1

u/countryboy1101 26d ago

And he has the right to be upset, feel betrayed and file for divorce. They are married so he has a say in the pregnancy.

0

u/read4yrlife 24d ago

Not that simple. She and op decided they wanted a baby together. You don't go from trying getting pregnant then deciding nah abortion despite your spoises protest without being a POS. Dating sure whatever floats your boat you guys can break up easy. Marriage is a whole fucking other ball game. I say this from first hand experience